I have roughly a million things I should be doing right now, but here I sit. We are leaving for SC as soon as dh gets home from work in the morning. Just like Thanksgiving, I have been left to do it all. Oh, wait, dh put his jeans in a pile so I knew which ones he needed washed. Thanks, dear. There are piles of laundry on the bed, and I haven't even gotten the suitcase out. I still need to go through and pay bills that are due the first part of January. I am completely unmotivated to do ANYTHING. And I am trying not to go upstairs until I am SURE Evan is asleep.

I knew that dh working on Christmas would suck. I just didn't get HOW it would suck. Damn it was LONELY. Still IS lonely I guess. I really wish that Evan and I had gone to SC yesterday when dh left for work, and then he could join us tomorrow, but I didn't think of it until today.

We are supposed to be in SC until after Caleb's birthday, so we can go to his grave, etc. but now dh keeps saying things about possibly needing to come back sooner. He even said at one point that he would come back to VA by himself for a day to get some stuff done for school (he is going back to school to finish his degree so he can be an officer at some point) and then go back down to SC. Well, that would be fine, but I REALLY don't want to be left without the van/ carseat. I don't know what is going to happen, but I already missed being able to go to the cemetary for Christmas day, Thanksgiving day, and I will NOT miss going for Caleb's 3rd b-day. Not a chance in hell.

So if you don't hear from me in awhile, don't worry, we are just out of town. I will try to post from mom's, but for some reason, I can never manage to stay online at her house without getting booted (SLOW dial- up). If I don't get to see you all, I wish you all a HAPPY New Year!!

Another pic

For some reason, I can't figure out how to put more than one pic per post, but wanted to share this one too.

I started to read through blogs, and I decided I just can't do it. Not tonite. It just breaks my heart that there are SO MANY of you out there spending that first devastating Christmas/ Hannukah without your babies. I can't stand it. I remember how hard it is, and I just hope you all kind find a moment of peace in all of the sadness.

We had Christmas this morning. Santa came last night. Dh and I were up until about 2am assembling and wrapping. We got a cute little desk for Evan (you know, the little plastic Step2 stuff) that has a little reading light on it. Well, when we put the batteries in the light, it worked fine. Then of course once it was screwed into the desk itself it wouldn't work. So dh took it back apart and opened the battery compartment. The plastic, and the prongs that hold the batteries in were totally MELTED. The batteries were too hot for dh to touch, so we put them outside on the sidewalk to cool. The desk was already put together by this point, so I emailed the company and told them what happened. Hopefully they will just send us a new light (and if this one is faulty, the whole desk is going back!!!) but if they won't do that, we will take the desk back to Toys R Us and exchange it. I am just so glad that it didn't overheat like that while Evan was playing with it.

We also got him this little police car that makes car noises when you push the front bumper. Or, let me rephrase that, it's SUPPOSED to make little car noises when you push the bumper. It worked when I bought it, so we took it out of the package, and replaced the batteried. Nothing. The damn thing doesn't work. So now I get to face the return lines at Wal Mart. With no reciept. Fun.

But other than that, everything else he got was fine. He had too much, but not as bad as last year. Of course we still have our SC trip on Monday, and I know of at least 5 more things mom and mil have gotten for him. The good thing is that he has actually played with EVERY thing he got. He really does like it all (which makes storing old toys a challenge since he loves and plays with all of his toys). He wouldn't get out of the car, so alot of his presents were unwrapped in the car. Valuable lesson for next year, leave unwrapped things in another room and bring them out last.

I walked downstairs this morning and all I could think about is how many more toys we would have had under that tree is Caleb was alive. I held it together, until tonite, when Evan crawled into my lap to play with one of his new toys. I don't know what I would do without that kid.

Oh, and our heat wasn't working last night. It has been tripping the breaker everytime it comes on for days. They came and supposedly "fixed" it yesterday, but last night it started it again. I spent the entire night worrying that the house was going to burn down. I kept running the scenario over and over in my head, trying to figure out how I was going to get Evan AND get Caleb's stuff. We called this morning, and the guy came back and it SEEMS fixed now. The breaker itself was overheating or something. Apparently we ARE very lucky that the place didn't burn down. Lovely.

I am a horrible, unappreciative person. I just got a package from a certain organization that helps with grieving the loss of a child. They sent things like a little ornament, handpainted with your baby's name on it, a candle, things like that. Little things to show you that other people are taking the time to think of your baby.

This is the problem. It all says "William" on it. Instead of being thankful that someone took the time to do that for me, and for my son, all I can think of is "that's not MY son's name". (And yes, it is Caleb's first name, but I never EVER think of him as William. I hate the name William, and the only reason we kept it is because dh is William, his father is William, and his grandfather is William. I agreed to use William, but it was not ever supposed to be what Caleb is called.) So, yes someone took the time to make this ornament, and little stocking with William on it so that my son would be recognized for the season, and I have an issue with it.

See, unappreciative.

A Day of Firsts

We took Evan to get his first hair cut today. Yes, he is 21 months old and this is his first hair cut. He finally GOT hair. Anyway, he did a REALLY good job. We took him to Cartoon Cuts, and he got to watch Blue's Clues while he was getting his cut. The girl that did it was really good with him. He freaked out about the clippers, so it's not as short as daddy would have liked, and there is one little spot that is kind of uneven, but other then that, it looks pretty good. My boy is getting so big. I did ok, but there was a couple of times I thought I would cry. It's weird, because usually when it's a big moment for Evan, he is all I think of. Today, all I could think of was Caleb.

After the hair cut, we wandered around the mall for awhile. We went into a sports store and were looking around when dh told me that "we are getting a bear." I looked at him like he had lost his mind, and he held up a little green bear that had Caleb written across the tummy. We got the bear. No idea why it was in the sports store, but it was, and we got it.

When we were leaving the mall, we took Evan by the Merry go Round. He got his first ride. He loved it!! I hope the pics came out. (I had the camera with me for the first hair cut.)

Then we left the mall and went through a park here in town. They had a HUGE Christmas light display (100 miles of lights supposedly). Evan sat in the carseat saying "light light" over and over. No idea why he always says light twice, but he does. We got home late, and he pretty much had to go straight to bed. Poor little guy was worn out, but he had a good day. And so did we.

Had a pretty good day shopping for last minute Christmas stuff with dh and Evan. We spent the majority of the day with a woman that dh works with and her baby girl. The after a few hours, me and J. (the woman from work) dropped dh and Evan off and we went to wal mart so she could grocery shop. It was nice to be in the company of another adult. And hey, this one actually cares about and for her baby.

Fil called while I was gone. When I came back, dh told me that his dad had told him how depressed his mom is. She's been on Prozac for a few years now, and she always joke about how she no longer chases people with knives. Anyway, after Caleb died, she made sure to tell everyone she doubled her dose. Not sure if she still takes the higher dose or not. Anyway, dh told me how she was feeling unappreciated, etc. etc. I know this is terrible, but I just can't find it in me to feel bad for her. I can't do it. This is the thing, does ANYONE (other than dh and my mom) take five seconds to think that maybe this is a hellish time of year for ME? Does anyone consider that I dread each day that gets closer and closer to January? No. No one asks if *I* am doing ok anymore. They all assume that since I have gone on to have another baby, that I am over it. I have my replacement child, so I am fine now. Caleb who? My grieving time is over, so life should be peachy.

Yeah, it sounds selfish as hell, but it's the way I feel. Hmmm, guess that goes back to the bitterness???

Ramblings

I want a different life. Just for awhile. I am just so sick of feeling like I am in a nightmare and just waiting to wake up. It gets old. Even the happiness is not complete, and I am tired of it. What the hell did we do to deserve this??

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Dh's work schedule is in the way again this month. The plan was to have sex every other day until I O, but since I haven't been O'ing anyway, guess it doesn't matter. I will be in SC the day after Christmas, and we will probably be there until the 6th, so no temping or charting for awhile.

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For the first time, dh will be off of work for Caleb's birthday. That's why we will be in SC.

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I absolutely adore Evan. I love that kid so much that it hurts physically sometimes. In the middle of playing, he stopped, looked at me, and came over to me like he had something VERY important to do. Then he climbed up, and gave me a big kiss. He never gives kisses. EVER.

He's also getting 3 teeth at once. Give the kid a break! He just got over being sick, and now *3* teeth??? This is how it goes with him though. No teeth at all for months, then all at one time. He handles it amazingly well.

He never ceases to amaze me. The same kid that will NOT drink milk, in fact he has always spit it back out, drank a cup of chocolate milk today. I have tried it all before, strawberry milk, chocolate milk, vanilla milk, plain milk. He wouldn't drink ANY of it, and if it got into his mouth he would NOT swallow it. But tonite, I got out a big boy cup with no lid, and split my milk with him. He drank the whole thing. BY HIMSELF. Can't wait to show dh tomorrow!

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I need gift suggestions. One of the girls dh works with will be feeding our cat and getting our mail while we are gone. What should I do for her?

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My best friend lives in SC. She called me tonite to tell me that Friday while she was at work a woman came in selling ornaments to raise money to buy disposeable cameras for one of the local hospital. Her son was stillborn in Febuary and she was doing it in his memory. She started talking to the woman and asked her son's name........ You guessed it.......Caleb. They talked for awhile, and my friend bought an ornament for me. She also got her email address etc. for me. Funny how people fall into your lives sometimes.

I thought I was doing pretty well. I really did. But at this point, with Christmas speeding at us like a freight train, I can physically FEEL it's impending doom. Don't get me wrong, I have Evan. I am so truely blessed to have him, and thank God hourly that I have him. He brings so much happiness that it hurts sometimes. His priceless giggles, and his fascination with each new thing. I adore that little boy. He is truely my life.
But Christmas is crushing me. My life is missing a HUGE peice. And no one seems to remember it. Caleb isn't here. I can't hear his giggles. I can't see him excitedly pointing at the lights on the tree. He's gone.
I can't help but get panicky. Three weeks from tomorrow. I can't help but count the days. I should be planning a 3rd birthday party. Instead, I am thinking of going to his grave on yet another cold Christmas day, and another cold January 5th. The panic is there. It's getting more and more evident. I can barely breathe.
I just think back to Christmas of 2002. I was so happy then. I was huge, and working in retail during the Christmas rush was actually pretty comical. I didn't realize HOW huge I was. I was constantly bumping into things, forgetting that I could no longer squeeze between those tables like I once could. I was never a person that could deal with attention turned towards me, but I dealt wonderfully with all of the people patting my huge pregnant belly. Life was good.
All I can seem to think about was those last few weeks. They play through my head over and over. God, what I wouldn't do to have them back. I remember my neice asking me to have him on Christmas so he would have her birthday too. I remember my dr talking about Christmas shopping during my appointments (since I worked at the mall). I never worried AT ALL. I never had a clue of how wrong it could all go. I didn't know that Christmas would never be the same.
So now I pretend. I read on someone's blog (I can't remember who it was now) that grieving parents wrap themselves up in this nice little package. We look like everything is fine on the outside. It couldn't be further from the truth.
I will throw myself into it all for Evan's sake. And honestly, I will enjoy it. How can I NOT enjoy watching the wonder and excitement in his face? I am so truely happy when I am with him. But in those moments he's away from me, in his bed sleeping, I think about how wrong it is that BOTH of my boys are not here. I miss Caleb so much.
I saw his face a million times last night. And thought of a million regrets. God how I miss him. God, I am tired of being so angry and bitter. God, I am TIRED.

First Christmas

Someone emailed this poem to me. Eventhough it's not Caleb's first Christmas, I still thought I would share.

FIRST CHRISTMAS
It can't possibly be christmas
without him being here
yet the world is singing round me
joyful tidings and good cheer
though I try to put on armor
and brave the sights & sounds
a few moments worth of shopping
and the tears are spilling down
I pray for strength to do it
find a path thru the hollidays
look for short cuts, good ideas
some directions through the maze
then I find at last the answer
I'll include him symbolically
and the giving becomes perfect
His love's flowing down thru me
~Genesse Bourdeau Gentry

Sorry I have been MIA, but Evan shared his cold. Luckily dh was off this weekend, and so he took on Evan and let me sleep and just be miserable for as long as I wanted. I think this is the first time Evan has ever been sick when dh was home to help! At least we have gotten it out of the way before Christmas. (hopefully)

Something has been eating at me, and honestly, I hate myself for it. I post on another message board with mom's of babies born in March of '04 (like Evan). Well some of them are having their second round of babies. Actually most of them are. And all of the pregnant ones have had these amazingly easy pregnancies. Well, the most recent one just had her baby. This is the thing, the week before she had her baby boy, he stopped gaining weight. Her dr acted like it was no big deal, and actually at her last appointment, she was only seen by a nurse. Well, knowing as many people with late losses as I do, I told her that there could be something seriously wrong if the baby all of a sudden stops gaining. (I know of at least 2 women that lost their babies, and the first sign of a problem was a lack of weight gain.) So anyway, she acted like it was no big deal. She went in for a BPP and a NST on Monday, and the baby was non-responsive. They decided to induce, and the baby was born fine the next day. The reason for the non responsive NST??? His cord was around his neck. I can't find it in me to congratulate her. I just can't do it. Why was HER son saved? Granted, we didn't get any warning with Caleb. His cord wasn't a problem until he turned face down (we think). I am just so jealous that her baby is here and alive. I don't wish that he had died, but I just really have a hard time dealing with the fact that Caleb DID. I fucking hate this.

Not Croup

Evan just had a MAJOR cold. Again. this is getting old. He was sick 2 times in since Halloween. I have decided I like taking him to this dr's office though. Well, as long as you ignore the receptionists, it's not a bad place. They don't treat you like you are insane for taking your kid in for a cold. They don't treat you like a paranoid mom. I did see a different dr today then the one we saw before, but actually I think I liked her better than his dr. And she "prescribed" 2 OTC drugs for Evan, so I could get them at the pharmacy for free. Another benefit of military care that I never got to take advantage of when we lived in SC.

So basically, he's drugged, and eventhough I hear him cough every now and then, he seems to be at least able to sleep. We will see what happens around 2 when the Robitussin wears off. And of course dh is working tonite, so it's just me. I was up for hours last night, and then today when Evan was taking a nap, I had so much to do that I didn't get to lay down. I had just sat down on the couch when he woke up crying. What's sleep like again??

December 8th, and Doctors

Today is my mil's birthday. Dh had the nerve to ask me if I sent her b-day card. (He shot me a look the day before because I hadn't sent it yet, and it was the 6th already). I pointed out that his mother wouldn't have HAD a card if I hadn't gone to the store and picked it out. I told him that YES I sent it. I looked their address up in the phone book and signed all of our names. I took care of it. Don't I always??

December 8, 2000 was also my first ever ob appointment. It was also the day I woke up to spotting. And the day I had my first ever ultrasound. The ultrasound where I was told that the baby had only developed to 8 weeks and I was supposed to be 10 weeks. The ultrasound where they said that I had had a "missed abortion" and that I had to have a d&c. When I think back to that appointment, I get FURIOUS. Why wasn't I just told that there was no beating heart? The fact is, the heart was NEVER mentioned. I was just asked over and over if I was SURE of my dates (LMP). I was told to go get labwork done, and I was told that I would have to have a d&c. No other option. Gotta love December 8th. (by the way, when I came back to that office after getting bloodwork done, I saw a different dr. SHE explained to me that m/c naturally was ok too. Which was what I did. And I never went back to that dr again)

And now we come to 2005. Off to the dr again. But this time it's for Evan. He has been coughing at night for the past week or so. At first it was bad enough to wake him up. I got a humidifier on Sunday, and that seemed to at least help enough that he wasnt waking himself up. Well last night around 2am, he woke up barking and not able to catch his breath. Once I held him for a few minutes, he calmed down, and his breathing was fine. He was up until around 4, and when I put him back in his crib, he went straight to sleep. It seemed like croup last night, but I have no clue today. It seems more like a typical cold this morning, but he goes to the dr at 11am. Just hope this is ONE December 8th appointment that goes ok.

Caleb's Ornament

It's been a festive weekend. Getting the tree up Friday, and then the stockings on the banister. This is the first year we have a good place for the stockings. There is ONE good thing I guess. I managed not to cry while we were in line to see Santa. I don't know how. I think it was the fear of everyone NOTICING. I guess I could have played it off as the overly emotional mom, but it really had nothing to do with Evan. I don't know if Christmas would be as hard as it is if Caleb would have been born in June. I don't know if it is all still so hard almost 3 years later just because he happened to be born 11 days after Christmas. We were in Hallmark looking at ornaments and there was the huge pregnant woman right beside us, looking for the perfect ornament for the baby. I hated that woman. Hated her desperately. We turned Evan's stroller around and left the store as fast as possible. I hate this woman so much for doing the same things I was doing 3 years ago. And I hate her because MY happy ending was taken from me. Yanked out from under me, and no one bothered to ask MY opinion on the whole thing.

I did get a perfect ornament for Caleb while we were at the mall. It doesn't make things ok, but what else can I do? It's a painted sandollar, with a little angel releasing a dove. They released a dove at Caleb's funeral, so it seemed fitting. I'll have to see if my digital camera still works (Evan was eating it not too long ago) and take a picture.

The Tradition of Torturing our Children

"Keep me, protect me, share me, and I will live forever."

Thanks Kodak. Now I am weepy.

Has anyone seen that commercial? The one with the man in the gallery with all of the kids and he is asking him if they can hear the pictures? "They are saying keep me. Keep me, protect me, share me, and I will live forever." And the next shot is of an older man looking at a photo of what we can assume is his wife (or the love of his life). I bawl EVERY time.

We got our Christmas tree tonite. We managed to put it up without too much trouble. Evan even helped decorate it. It had about 5 ornaments on one poor little branch. (Dh took them all off before I could get a picture.) Evan then decided it would be so much more fun to throw the ornaments across the room, squealing "BALL!" over and over. God I love that kid. (And they were plastic) Going through the ornaments each year is so hard. There are SO many ornaments that people gave to us when we were pregnant with Caleb. He was due in January, so alot of our Christmas of 2002 revolved around him. There were "Expectant parents" ornaments, and baby's first Christmas. There were at least 5 of them. 2003 we didn't put up a tree, so by 2004 when we got out the tree, we ran across all of those ornaments we had totally forgotten, and that December came flooding back. Just like it did again tonite. I am ok with it. I am not ok with Caleb not being here, but what choice do I get? I have learned to live for Evan. I will not cheat him out of the life he deserves. And Evan DOES make me truely happy. But there is always that underlying sadness. That "what if" just under the surface.

And it's December again, and I am reliving it all. The last month of my innocence, 3 years ago..........

Fuck

I know, I know, not the nicest title for a blog entry, but I just have no other words. We finally got copies of the pictures my fil took when they were up here this summer. We went to Williamsburg for the day, and well fil went nuts with the disposeable camera. Honestly, most of the pics are BAD. But there is this one pic of Dh, Evan and I that isn't bad at all (and I HATE pics of me) and another pic of Evan sitting on a Thomas Jefferson statue. So today, I went grocery shopping, and while I was out I bought a cute little frame that both of the pictures will fit in. A cute little frame with wonderful pictures of my family. And then it hit me. FUCK.

It's NOT my family. How the hell can I put these pictures in this frame and hang them on my wall? How can I do it? This is so wrong. I hate this so much. How can framing a fucking picture be made into such a big deal? But it IS a big deal. Caleb isn't in it. Caleb is not there. Caleb never will be. If we want a picture of Caleb, we go back to the one roll of film we have. ONE ROLL. No smiles. No happy faces. No open eyes.

So how do I hang a picture of a happy day in Williamsburg with the family when someone SO important isn't there? God I miss him.