Took another test today. Once again BFN. My temp dropped a tenth of a degree, so who knows. (gee and I swore I wouldn't obsess). I told dh I tested this morning, and he genuinely looked sad when I told him it was BFN. The funny thing was, his first question was "Was it a FRER???" lmao, good man.

I am leaving for SC in a little while. I will try to keep up with blogs, but not totally sure if I will get a chance to be on the computer much. We will see. I am thinking of you all.

Eve, it really is horrible to belong to such a community, but God am I glad I found it since I do need it. You ALL mean so much. Someone always has an encouraging word when it's needed most.

I'll check in when I can........

CD 29, 12 DPO, no temp drop, and still a BFN. My cycle is really never over 29 days (usually 28) but I don't have any symptoms of AF, or pg either. Jeez.

Eve, I am thinking of you. And heartbroken. Things just are NOT fair.

My temp went back up this morning. I have no idea what's going on, but I still don't think I am pg. This just sucks though, looks like if AF shows, it will be just in time for my trip to SC. Gee, fun.

I woke up this morning to a very large stranger on my couch. Dh told me he was here before I got up, but it was still weird. Dh worked last night (which means 12 hours, and he got off at 5am.) and now he has to go BACK in for some meeting. So he has gotten about 2 hours of sleep. The guy that was here lived too far away (Richmond) to drive all the way home between work and a meeting, so he came here to sleep a couple of hours. This is the kicker though, dh has to work again TONIGHT. He won't be back home until tomorrow morning around 5:30am. Nice, huh?

Mom just called. My nephew Ethan's birthday party had been postponed. His FIRST birthday. It was already postponed once. His actual b-day was the 20th of July. His mom has serious issues. I am pretty sure she is a serious addict (pain killers, and sleeping pills) and is constantly in the hospital, and they can never find anything wrong with her, and meanwhile, her kids suffer. I hate her for it. Her 1 year old son doesn't even have a highchair, but supposedly it doesn't matter because "he can't eat solids anyway". And she is too damn lazy to work with him, or even call the dr to see if HE is concerned that he's not eating solids. That poor little boy is just getting cheated in so many ways. But I decided I am going back to SC anyway. I don't really care if the party gets canceled. I need to at least go so I can see Caleb.

Let the Insanity Begin....

I had to go to Target earlier to get some things for our trip to SC. I bought a test while I was there. I don't know why, I know I don't NEED it. But I got a 3 pack. They didn't have any FRED's though. I took a test. Just as I suspected........BFN. It's only 10 dpo, but I don't think I will retest unless af doesn't show.

My temp is already starting to drop. Which is TOTALLY what I expected, and I am totally ok with it too. I didn't even have a test because I was pretty sure it would be a bfn. Like I said though, it really is ok. Now next month I may not be so ok with it...........

Don't ever order anything from thebabyoutlet.com. I ordered a stroller on July 7, and still haven't gotten it. I tried to call their customer service number and got an answering machine. (which was a long distance number by the way) I emailed them again today. If they haven't billed my account yet, I am cancelling the order and going to BRU to get the other stroller we were looking at. I went with the one online because it was $50 cheaper, but hey, what good does it do me if I never GET it. I really wanted a lightweight "umbrella stroller with perks" by the time I went to SC, but since I leave on Thursday, it's not likely. Unless I bite the bullet and go get the Maclaren stroller. GRRRR.

If you want to be seriously disgusted, read this. http://www.misanthropic-bitch.com/byebyebaby.html

I really fucking hate people. I claim to not want ANY person to go through the pain of losing a baby, but you know, that's not really true. There are people that deserve it, if nothing else, just for a day.

Thought I would pop in and post while dh is giving Evan a bath. His parents left this morning. I gotta admit, the visit went MUCH better then I expected. They stayed at our apartment and my mil seemed REALLY interested in spending lots of time with Evan. This was really a first. We really didn't do much other then shop. She spent a TON of money on us. Bought Evan his sandbox, and like 4 other toys (after she said over and over he had WAY too many toys) and 2 pairs of Stride Rites, and some clothes from the Carter's outlet. The bought dh and I both a new pair of Birkenstocks, and paid for EVERY meal. (told you they had the money to visit) They even put gas in my van. There were a couple times they pissed me off by yelling at Evan for things I allow him to do, and mil kept backing my a/c up to 70 degrees (that's gonna be a FUN power bill) But really, all in all, not a bad visit.

Dh and I got to go to the movies last night and see War of The Worlds. As much as I hate to support Tom Cruise, it was a GOOD movie. Scary as hell. It was nice to go somewhere with just dh. We need to find a babysitter here so we can actually do this again sometime.

Thanks for all the comments on my pic. You girls are all just too sweet!! Big hugs to all of you!!!

I finally got a coverline yesterday, but the way dh's schedule has worked out, we only bd 2 times so far this month, and that was 2 days before ff said I o'd, so I don't have my hopes up at all. I am ok with it. It will happen when it's supposed to, and I know that realistically this IS our first month of ttc, and we can't ALWAYS expect to get pg the first month.

My in laws should be getting here any minute. I will try to keep up with my blogs the next couple of days, but if it doesn't happen, know that I am thinking of you all.

Before and After

So here is a pic of me in highschool. I am the one with the short pink hair. That was the only pic I had. I never called myself a punk, but everyone else did so whatever. And yes, that is a spiked collar around my neck. I wore it constantly, and got asked almost on a daily basis if it meant I was a lesbian. Ummmmm Sure.........

And here is me now. This is basically me every day. Hair pulled back in a pony tail cause I am just too lazy to do much else. So yeah, maybe I AM a minivan mom, but I just don't see it.

I went to BRU today and was very quickly reminded of how much I hate that place, and why I don't EVER go on weekends. Everywhere I turned were happy little couples registering for every little thing they saw, and not ONE of the mommies even had the slightest belly. Wouldn't it be nice to have that innocence back??? To think that pregnancy= baby again??? I hate them all. I really do.

After BRU, I went driving. MIL and FIL are coming up in 2 days, and I couldn't remember what the exit number was they needed to take, so I thought I would drive it just to see. I have a new vehicle, and it was Evan's naptime, so I had nothing better to do. Of course I got horribly lost (who thought having I-64, I-264, I-464, I-564 and I-664 all in one area should have been shot. I still get SOOO confused!) and got stuck in some MAJOR thunderstorms, but it was nice to be out of the house, and actually get to drive the van some to see how I really like it. And the sad thing is........I do. I miss my sporty little car, and the way it handled, but those days are over, and I am ok with that.

Rebecca, I plan on adding you to my blog list, just as soon as I can get the stupid thing to work. I don't mind being on yours at all.

Jill, My waking times aren't too bad, but it has been anywhere from 6:45am to 9am. I don't have an alarm clock, and just get up when I hear Evan. I pretty much consistantly get 3 hours of sleep in a row though. I adjusted my temps on my chart, but I wrote down the originals so I could go back and change it again. That's probably what I am going to do.

Guess I need to go clean up some since the in laws are coming. Oh yay.......

Dreams

Had a dream that I was in the hospital in labor. Totally painless labor too. And dh showed up at the hospital with our bags and stuff and *3* strollers. I yelled at him for brining all 3. Of course the dream ended without a baby, so don't know what that was all about. It was just weird.

FF still says I didn't O this month. That is just so hard for me to grasp. I wanted to bd last night for the hell of it, but dh fell asleep on the couch, so I am not a happy person today. And now with his work schedule, he won't even BE here the next 2 nights. Like I said, I am pretty sure this month is out.

Thank you once again girls for all the support and kind words. I am so glad to have met you all. I just wish we were meeting under MUCH different circumstances. What a hell of a thing to have in common.

I have NO idea what is up with my cycle this month. I can honestly tell you that EVERY cycle I have ever had was ridiculously regular, with O on either cd 14 or 15 (with obvious O pains) and this cycle, I am on cd 18 with no sign of O. WTF is that all about??? I went back and played with my temps since they were all taken at such different times and even with the adjusted temps, no O. I did have a dip yesterday, so maybe?? Anyway, I am pretty much counting this month out. I am actually more bummed about it then I thought I would be. Since we weren't really giving it our all, I didn't think it would bug me if this month was a bust, but I guess that makes me realize how much I DO want this. Guess we will see what happens for sure within the next 10 days or so....

July 15th, 2001

The day my first baby was due. That feels like an eternity away. And very insignificant, all things considered. But there is still sadness, just not on the same level. Where did 4 years GO???

I have been so busy today, I feel like I haven't gotten a chance to even think. I had tons of errands to run, but thankfully I had a very cooperative little boy today. Amazing. I was getting him dressed today and actually had to stop myself from calling him Caleb. While I was driving home from the grocery store today I was listening to 3 Doors Down and right when it hit the part of the song that says "all I think about is you" a dragonfly flew down in front of my windsheild and stayed there for a minute, like it was waiting for me to see it, and then it flew off. Thank you Caleb.

Jill, lol about the beach picture. I must confess though, part of the reason I was wearing those shorts is because I will never wear a bathing suit ever again. When I was pg with Caleb, I gained 70 lbs. I got HUGE. And I also ended up with stretch marks down the back of my legs to the backs of my knees. NOT a pretty sight!! So now the only shorts I wear are dh's and I really only wear them if we go to the beach or the pool. Oh and the Ghetto vehicle is a Ford Expedition that has HUGE chrome rims and a LOUD stereo system.

Lauralu, I will post a pic of me in my "punk" days as soon as I have time to find one. I THINK I know where one is, but not totally sure. But I will be sure to share when I find it!

You won't believe it..........

We bought a freakin minivan!!!!! Yes, you read that right. We got a 2005 Kia Sedona. I traded my bright yellow Mazda Protege5 for a mom mobile!! Yikes!! The thing is, we needed something bigger, and lets be honest here, 2 carseats (God willing) will not fit in the back seat of a Mazda. They WOULD, but it would be a TIGHT fit. We just went with the intentions of driving a van to see which one we wanted when the time came that we needed one. Well they basically gave us a deal that we could NOT walk away from, so now we have a van. Man that sounds funny.

So when we got home with the van, we could barely fit it in the parking space because of the Ghetto Expedition on one side and the Ghetto Taurus on the other side. Both parked pretty much ON the line. They seriously better not hit my van.

I can't believe this is where my life is now. I went from the punk chick with green hair and peircings, to minivan mom with 2 kids. Gee and if you really want to add a shocker to it, one of my kids is dead. Wow. I would have NEVER guessed this one.

Let's see if I can post without the Cat deleting it....Again

I want to say how impressed I am with all of your responses to that horrible Fealess Pregnancy bitch. I thought and thought of what to say to her, but just really couldn't come up with words that weren't overly obscene, so I gave up. I have just never been all that great with words.

I am still trying to update my blog list, but no matter how many times I have tried, all I get is a blank spot where the blog SHOULD be. It's really starting to piss me off!

Last night we went to dh's cousin's to eat and meet his new girl friend (who is apparently "the one"). I must say I am NOT impressed at all. She acts like she is about 10 (he's 27) and I swear I have had better conversations with my 16 month old son. I of course told him that his happiness is all that matters. I personally think it's just the fact that she's cute and ridiculously skinny that he's "in love" with, but whatever. He only really calls when he needs something anyway, and he is being sent to Panama until September (he's also Navy) so we will see if she is even still around by that point. When we got home, I had no place to park. We have assigned parking spots and our new neighbors were across the line, in their space AND mine. There was no way I could park there and get Evan out of the carseat, so I had to park across the parking lot in a visitor spot. Have I mentioned I HATE them???

We are in our first month of ttc, and I can really feel myself obsessing already. DH is just so sure that I am pg as we speak, but I keep trying to tell him that it MIGHT not happen as easy as it always did before. I am still freaked out at the possibility of being pg again, but I also know that I really really want this, so I know the fear is all worth it.

Dh's parents are coming up FINALLY next week. I am so annoyed with them right now it's not funny. They have plenty of money to make the trip, and both of them are teachers, so they have been off all summer, but they have STILL not come up to see us. I don't care if they ever come see us, but you would think they would want to see Evan. FIL refused to come up until Harry Potter comes out so he can listen to the book on tape on the 5 hour drive. Gee, Harry Potter is more important then Evan??? Nice to know....... They also LOVE Colonial Williamsburg, so I can't help but wonder how much time they will spend with US and how much time they will want to spend there. I would love to go to Williamsburg again, but we will see if we even get invited. I think dh is to the point where he is getting annoyed with them too, which makes me feel better because he always stuck up for them. Finally he sees MY point. Should be a fun visit........

I want to thank you for the responses to my last post. It is really hard for me to admit that I felt Caleb's movement slowing and still did nothing......didn't KNOW I needed to anything at all, but I still feel like I SHOULD have known. Gotta love hindsight. The truth is, I was never told about kick counts. I remember reading something about it in one of my books, but I actually skipped right over it. There were times in my pregnancy with Caleb when we thought something WAS wrong. I gained ALOT of weight (70lbs when all was said and done) and had HORRIBLE swelling. We thought at one point I was diabetic (I had the test done 3 times and all came back fine) and we also thought I had preeclampsia. But even when exploring the possibilities, stillbirth was never mentioned as a possibility. I think, honestly, that my Dr. was just trying not to scare me more then anything else, but I also think that in doing that, she neglected to tell me alot. I don't in any way blame HER. I trusted her enough to stay with her for my pregnancy with Evan, and I would have stayed with her for future pregnancies if we hadn't moved. It just sickens me to think that so many people are so afraid of scaring you, that they aren't honest with you, and sometimes, as a result, horrible things happen.

I have been TRYING to update my links list, and for some reason, it just won't let me. I put in all the url code, just like I did for every other link, and when I publish my blog, I get blank spaces where I should have a new link. It's really starting to piss me off. And for some reason I can't get Where Do I Go From Here to work. It freezes my computer every time I go. Just when I was getting in to this whole blog thing.................

Brutal Honesty

All of these honest posts have gotten me thinking. Am I really being honest with myself when it comes to my roll in Caleb's death? I know that there are plenty of people out there that will tell me over and over that it's not my fault he died, and that no matter what I had done, I couldn't have prevented it from happening. The thing is, I never tried. Now I know the reason I didn't try is because I didn't know anything was THAT wrong. I had a feeling. I was a little over 37 weeks pregnant, and I remember being at work, and mentioning to a friend that the baby wasn't moving much. Of course what was her answer? You probably already know. "That just means you are going to go into labor soon. it's totally normal. My son didn't move as much right before I had him." And I trusted her. I trusted her so much that when I went to my Dr. appointment on Thursday, January 2nd I didn't mention it. The nurse asked if I was still feeling the baby move, and I was. Just not AS MUCH. I didn't know there was a difference. But apparently there IS a difference. I just can't help but think, if I had mentioned it THAT DAY, then MAYBE........ I know this is all pointless, I know I can't go back in time, but I just hate myself for not even mentioning it. I had NO idea that stillbirth happened anymore. I was truely clueless, so why WOULD I think that something was horribly wrong?? And why would I even think that even if I HAD told the nurse he wasn't moving much, and they did a non stress test that something would have shown up and they would have been able to save him anyway. The thing is, I never really asked for details about Caleb's death. It was obviously a cord accident. He had a shorter then average cord, and it was around his neck 3 times. The cord had to be cut for him to be delivered. (it was too tight to be pulled over his head) Since the cause was so obvious, I didn't ask questions. I was afraid of what I might hear for one thing, but I was also afraid of being told that it didn't happen the way I THINK it happened. I KNOW that he was alive on the 4th. I KNOW he was alive when I went into labor. But not for long. I am pretty sure I felt his last kick. But that was after about 3 hours of contractions. Very regular contractions. But I was so scared of going to the hospital, I wouldn't go. I stayed at home and didn't call the dr for 6 hours. If I could have gotten past MY fears, Caleb might have lived. By the time the pain got so bad I wanted to go to the hospital, it was too late. My sweet baby boy was gone. He died inside of me while I did nothing. And he did nothing to deserve it.

I was trying to add some more blogs I have started reading in my links, but it just isn't letting me for some reason. I go in and add it, and when I save it all, all I get is a little dot on the side, with nothing beside it. UGH. Guess I will have to come back to that later.

So have I mentioned I REALLY hate my new neighbors?? I think there are at least 4 people living in the 2 bedroom townhouse. It looks like parents, a teenage girl, and a boy about 9 years old. They CONSTANTLY go in and out of the house, slamming the door each time, while I sit and watch the pictures on my wall shake. Then when they are outside, they are LOUD. The play their music way too loud so we hear the pounding of bass all day and night, and the younger kid apparently spends half of his day just running up and down the stairs for no apparent reason. Sometimes he has elephants that join him. Oh and did I mention they don't park in their assigned space?? You know what though? They take MY spot, and I am getting them towed........Yep, I know, I can be evil.

So, like I kind of thought, dh's work schedule is going to be an issue with ttc. At least I think it will be. This month I think we will be alright. I basically won't see him until Monday morning, and he will spend the majority of that day sleeping. When he IS here, one of us is sleeping, or Evan is awake. Kind of makes bd hard to squeeze in. I think it's all ok though, because I dont THINK I will O between now and then. Once again, we will see.

I have to go to SC at the end of the month for my nephew's first birthday party. I think I am going to go and get my medical records while I am there. I am not so sure what I will see in those records, and maybe not so sure I want to see. But we ALL know I will read them cover to cover. It will be interesting to see what all was said about Caleb, but I am already expecting to be pissed off at least once. Not sure what exactly I am expecting, but I know seeing it all in medical terms is going to be hard. I can't stand to see Caleb treated like he was a "fetus". It seriously pisses me off. I bought something for his grave the other day. It's a little stuffed Eeyore sitting in a kiddie pool. Can't wait to bring it to him. I miss going to his grave whenever I felt the need. Counting down the days until I get to go home.

Nope, still no bd. I had every intention last night, but somehow we ended up watching Irresponsible mom's baby so her and her dh could go out. So now, because of dh's schedule, the next bd chance won't be until Monday. No biggie I guess. We aren't going to really go out of our way to try this month anyway. I stayed up last night until about 2 am to help dh out with the baby, but finally gave up and went to bed. Wouldn't you know it, Evan woke up at 6 this morning!! I don't think I have been this tired in a LONG time.

I have been a slack blogger lately. I can't seem to fit it all in and then get to everyone elses blogs and comment. Evan is sick AGAIN, and so he has been taking up the majority of my time, but hopefully I will get caught back up soon.

I am really not sure what is going on with my cycle this month. I have been pretty much spotting since af left and I can't remember ever having that problem. I guess we are just going to have to kind of wait and see what this month will bring, but I am not optimistic. Of course if you want a baby it DOES typically help to bd at some point..........

Thought some of you might enjoy seeing this http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/7452/ Just for fun!! Enjoy!!

You asked for it

Here's a pic of my tattoo. It's not the best pic, but it was the best I could do for now. I will try to take a better one soon. I guess I should explain how it is for Caleb. I had always wanted a tattoo, but honestly never had anything that I wanted FOREVER. After Caleb died, (actually it was the Sunday he would have been 4 weeks old) my friend called me and said her and another friend were going to North Carolina (tattoos are illegal in South Carolina where I lived) to get a tattoo and asked if I wanted to go just to get out of the house, so I went along for the ride. But the more I thought of it, the more I wanted to get a tattoo for myself. I just didn't know WHAT. The original place we wanted to go to was overbooked for the day, and that was the only place I found a pic I wanted. They typical angel baby on a cloud (but this one WAS sweet) but since the place was overbooked, I just let the idea of a tattoo go and was once again along for the ride. Well when we finally found a place the my friend's brother told her about I was looking at all of the designs on the walls and came across THIS picture. I knew when I saw it, that was the one for Caleb. It wasn't the typical memorial tattoo, and I think that was why I loved it so much. I took the pic, and changed some colors to make it my own. It's the heiroglyph for Capricorn (Caleb was born 5 January, 2003) wrapped in blue flowers (for my sweet boy) with Garnet (his birthstone) centers. It's on my left ankle and it's about 3 inches high.

Well I guess you didn't ask for all of that lol. You just wanted to see a pic! Oops!

Ok so dh ended up calling me around 2:30 and BEGS me to come to this cookout. So I broke down and went. I had slept for about 3 hours after they left so I felt a little better, just still had a little bit of a sore throat. I went and actually had a good time which is odd for me around people I don't know. I think I managed to make more then one person uncomfortable though. One of the guys complimented on my tattoo. Well at first I just said thanks, and left it at that. Then he started saying how all of his tattoos are all meaningful, like for a family member or whatever. So I told him I got mine in memory of my first son. He quickly changed the subject after getting an odd look on his face. Then a little while later someone was sitting by me and asked what my wristband said, so I told him it said "Remembering Our Babies". Again, I got silence.

We were all going out to see the fireworks, but the traffic was terrible (gee, gotta love Hampton Roads VA) and so while we were waiting in traffic, we decided to just go home. We were not moving and we could see the fireworks starting, so we knew by the time we found a place to park, etc. it would be time to leave again.

So now we are home, and actually waiting for irresponsible mom and her dh to come over and hang out. Should be a LONG night.

Happy freaking fourth of July. This sucks. I am still sick, and of course we actually had plans for the day. We were supposed to go to a cookout with irresponsible mom (the one I babysat for) and her dh and then possibly to the beach. Well, I won't go, I can't take the chance of getting her son sick. So dh took Evan with him and went. I really have a hard time with this. I don't leave Evan anywhere, EVER. He has stayed at my mom's house a few times while I went grocery shopping, but that's really about it. So now I am home all alone, and missing out on whatever fun they are having. Seems like the story of my life.

How is it that dh ends up working NIGHTS almost every holiday weekend?? I know it could be worse. If he was still on a ship, chances are he would have to work ON the 4th, but still, this SUCKS. I just hate it because it makes me really realize how alone I am. Right now I have Evan to keep me busy, but he goes to bed in and hour and a half. Then it's just me. Fun. On top of that, I think I freaked Evan out earlier. I was watching Live 8, and Pink Floyd came on (which was why I was watching) and they played "Wish You Were Here" and dedicated it to all that weren't there. I SOBBED. I just lost it. I have always had that song on my cd that makes me want to drive off a cliff (made it after Caleb died and dh was in Iraq) so it's always been a very emotional song for me. It just set me off earlier, and Evan took one look at me and HE started to cry. Poor little guy!!

And to make it all just perfect, I feel like shit. I think whatever Evan had earlier in the week managed to find me. I don't have a fever, but I ache from head to toe and my throat is killing me. Great.

How is it that one little person can just keep you in awe at all times? It just amazes me. Evan and I were upstairs so I could finally fold and put away some laundry. He was in my room torturing the cat (shutting him in the closet over and over) and then he left my room and went to his. The rooms are right across from each other, so I just looked to see where he was. He was in his rocking chair (not a child sized one, it's actually the rocker we read in each night before bed) and he was actually rocking. So I left him alone. Well while I was watching him, he got down from the chair, went over to his basket of books and got one, then climbed back up into the chair. Could he really be any sweeter??

I hate that underneath every thought of Evan, lies a thought of Caleb. It's not right in SO MANY ways. Would Caleb be the same sweet little boy, or would he have a mischevious streak? Would Caleb love to climb and torment the cat? Would Caleb love books like his little brother? I hate that there is just no way I will ever know these things. I hate that I have to just wonder forever how things should have been. I hate that THIS is how my life is, and it will never change. Losing a child isn't a one day event.

One more thing

One more thing I hate about Newport News...........grocery shopping. We have yet to find a decent store...................GRRRRRRRRRR.

Thought this site might interest some of you. http://www.myforeverchild.com/store/Default.asp They have some cute charms and things to remember the babies that aren't here. The woman that runs the site lost a son in 2002. Her son's story is on the site too I believe.

Remember irresponsible mom? Well apparently she thinks she is pregnant again. She even went to the dr to get a test and the blood test results haven't come back. She will be the first to admit that she is just way too young to deal with 2 babies so close together. I feel bad for her. She has no one here to help her or give her advise, and her dh seems pretty much worthless. He's too busy accusing her of cheating every time he gets a chance to do much else. Man I hope, for everyone involved she is NOT pg.

Well we have new neighbors moving in. I haven't met them (who am I kidding, there will probably never be more then a "Hi how are you?" spoken between us) but it looks like 2 very young women. Great. I am just hoping they aren't loud and obnoxious.