Last night sucked. I put Evan to bed at 8:30 like always, and he was up again by 9. It ended up with me rocking him in the rocking chair for HOURS. Every time I stopped rocking, he woke up crying. I even tried putting him in my bed, and all he wanted to do there was talk. It ended up with him in the crib screaming at midnight. He screamed while I sat by the crib for about 15 minutes and then he was out. He seems to feel a little better today. No fever so far, but he's kind of whiney still. That might be lack of sleep (of course he didn't sleep late!) Just hope the fever doesn't show back up!! This could be a very long day.

This has not been a fun day. Evan woke up at 6:30 screaming. He is sick, AGAIN. I don't know what is going on with the poor little guy but he had a fever of 102 until I gave him some Mortin, and that got rid of it for awhile. Of course we hadn't changed his dr yet, so I called Tricare and told him we wanted to switch. They were great about it, and told me if I had any problems with the new dr to just call and let them know and we would switch again. Thing is, we just switched TODAY. So I didn't try to get Evan in yet. He really just seemed to have a fever and be a little more pissy when things didn't go his way, but other then that he didn't seem sick. Right before bed, the fever came back, so I gave him more Mortin and put him to be and he cried and cried so I ended up rocking him to sleep. I was in his room for 45 minutes, and who knows how many more times I will be up there.

And of course THIS would be the day af shows up. So now I am taking care of a clingy, sick toddler and have cramps from hell. Figures doesn't it??

I wanted you guys to check out the lighting in this picture of my mom and Evan at the beach.

That's the SAME beach trip that Evan and I had the dragonfly that hung out with us while he was playing in the sand. I would like to think maybe that is Caleb's way of letting us know he was with us. But then again, maybe I am nuts.

We got a kitten. Which is hilarious for anyone that knows me because I have NEVER been a cat person. Since we moved though, I have wanted Evan to have a pet (he had dogs in SC, and most of his relatives have animals) and since we are in an apartment, getting a puppy is out of the question. We can't have a puppy peeing all over the place, and it's hard enough trying to take care of Evan without trying to squeeze in time to walk a dog. So we thought a cat would be a good choice. So yesterday we went and got an 8 week old kitten, who is still nameless at this point. He was really shy when we picked him out, so we were hesitant on how he would handle being around Evan, but actually he has done really well. Evan has done pretty well with the whole thing too, so far.

Not much else has happened this weekend. DH was supposed to take Evan to the pool today, but it rained almost all day. E has never been in a pool so I am interested to see how that goes. He was scared to death of the Chesapeake bay!!

Looks like af is on her way. So this is it, this next cycle will be our first cycle of ttc baby #3. YIKES!!!!

As I was reading Evan "Guess How Much I Love You" before bed tonite, it hit me that that book had originally been for Caleb. That was the book I took to Caleb's grave and read it to him. I hadn't thought of that in a long time. I don't know what made me think of it tonite, but it was all I could do to finish the book without sobbing.

The thing is, I don't cry for Caleb anymore. I feel INTENSELY guilty about that too. It's been 29 months, so it's probably normal I guess, but I still hate it. I get teary eyed over songs, and I can't watch a military homecoming without sobbing (although that is probably very Caleb related since I get so upset that he wasn't there for the homecoming when dh came back from Iraq and damn it, he should have been.) but I don't just cry for my dead son. I have no idea what I am trying to say, I just miss my little man..............

Yet another reason to keep stupid people away from computers......

http://www.kingdewey.com/fuck%20ribbons.html

Lovely isn't it?????

More doctor's office hell

Ok well after debating and debating, I took Evan back to his Dr. appointment today. I figured I would go and at least check it out since I had no idea how long it would take me to get in somewhere else, and no idea if that somewhere else would be any better anyway. Well, I got there and today I must admit that the receptionst was absolutely the sweetest person (NOT the person from yesterday). I filled out my paperwork, and let Evan roam around the waiting room (we were the only people in there at the time, so he wasn't harrassing people). The wait was not long at all. In fact I was there a total of an hour, which isn't bad for a Dr's office! So the place is kind of dumpy, but theyARE trying. All the rooms have themes. We were in the jungle room. It had a huge mural on the wall, and a rug with all sorts of jungle animals on it. There was a huge gorilla (it was bigger then E) sitting on a stool in the corner. The thing is, this gorilla was torn to peices. One of it's eyes was even missing. I seriously did not want E touching this thing. It grossed me out to LOOK at it. Luckily E was kind of scared of it, so he would just stand and point at it. Instead he settled on a 3 wheeled car to play with (told you the place was dumpy!!) So the nurse came in to measure him, etc. and I notice that she uses antibacterial gel on her hands. THERE IS NO SINK. They have no place to wash their hands!! EEK!!! So she goes on and talks to E and measures him, and asks me questions about his habits, and she was really sweet, and seemed to really know how to deal with kids. She leaves and in comes the Nurse practitioner. She examines E but isn't very thorough. She never even looked in his mouth, but again, she was great with E. So she leaves and the nurse comes back in. Time for his vaccines. Well he was scheduled for 2, but this office has the newer combination vaccine so he only has to have 1 shot. Fine with me. They used a numbing medicine, which E has never had before, but it didn't really make any difference, he still screamed like a banshee, poor little guy. When they did the shots, I was so worried about watching that she didn't use a band aid (E is VERY allergic to them) that I really didn't notice that she didn't even use gloves! I let that go, because once again, they all seemed to really be good with him. It bugged me, but I hadn't made any decisions based on that alone.

Well we came home, and all was fine. It was nap time so I put Evan to sleep. He slept awhile, but just figured he was worn out. When he got up he was really whiney and kept making me pick him up. I just thought he was feeling kind of run down from the shots. Well about 2:30 I gave him tylenol, and by 3:30 I realized he could NOT walk. He could not STAND on his leg, and he was screaming in pain if I put him down. I called the office, and got the answering service!! At 3:30 in the afternoon!! So the woman at the answering service asked me what was going on and I told her, and she said she would page the Dr. NO ONE called. I just wanted to basically ask if it was normal for his leg to be THAT sore. It had never been that bad before, and I just needed to MAKE SURE. Thank God he seemed ok around 6 pm and was walking with a very slight limp by the time he went to bed. I feel like he is ok, but I just needed them to tell me to be SURE. But that was it, that was the final straw. I will be finding Evan ANOTHER new Dr. before his 18 month check up in September.

Sorry that was so long winded. If anyone is interested, there are new pics of Evan in the photogallery on his website. June 05 folder.

Having an incredibly shitty day already, and it's not even noon. Hmmm bad sign maybe?? I guess we will see. I took Evan to his dr appointment and the place was a total dump. So I go to check him in and the receptionist is on the phone. Not a big deal, I mean it IS the dr office. So she shoves the clipboard at me and I sign him in. I asked her if she needed his medical records, and she says real bitchy "There are 2 people in front of him, I will call you when I get to him." You know, a simple yes, no or not right this second would have worked. So then I take all my stuff and go sit down in one of the plastic lawn chairs, and not a minute later, she calls me. I go up to the window and she tells me Evan's appointment isn't until tomorrow. ARE YOU KIDDING ME????? Funny, because I have it written down on my fridge, June 22, 9:40 am. She tells me it's tomorrow, and I said that is not what I was told, and she just says again that it's tomorrow. So I grabbed all my stuff and loaded Evan back into the car. UGH. I am pissed. This happened to me one time at Evan's dr in SC, and guess what, they went ahead and worked me in. (Had the appointment card for that one on the fridge at home too) I can pretty much tell you that unless this Dr is God herself, chances are, Evan will NOT be going back there after tomorrow. And since leaving that office, I have run into countless little annoying things. You know how once the day goes wrong there is just no saving it. I think I am staying in for the rest of the day!!!

"I think the hardest part is that they were perfect little babies." WTF is THAT supposed to mean????? Why do people insist on saying things like that? I know part of what it is. Some people NEED to believe that something MUST be horribly wrong for a baby to die. It is such an unfathomable tragedy that that is the way they explain it to themselves. I guess it goes back to how it makes most people uncomfortable to hear about a baby dying. Well no shit it makes you uncomfortable, but how the hell do you think WE feel? But the truth is that MOST babies that die don't have one single thing WRONG with them. And guess what that means???? They LOOK perfect too. They aren't horrible monstrocities, just babies. Tiny little fragile babies. And you know what?? Even if there IS something wrong with them, it does NOT make it easier for the families to lose them. That doesn't make it better. You don't hear a parent say "Well Timmy had a cleft palate, good thing he died." God why don't people THINK before they talk?????

To Wish Impossible Things

To Wish Impossible Things LyricsArtist: The Cure
Remember how it used to be
When the sun would fill up the sky
Remember how we used to feel
Those days would never end
Those days would never end
Remember how it used to be
When the stars would fill the sky
Remember how we used to dream
Those nights would never end
Those nights would never end
It was the sweetness of your skin
It was the hope of all we might have been
That fills me with the hope to wish
Impossible things
But now the sun shines cold
And all the sky is grey
The stars are dimmed by clouds and tears
And all i wishIs gone away
All i wishIs gone away
All i wishIs gone away


WOW, I hadn't listened to that song in YEARS. I was looking through songs to download and ran across it. I had forgotten that song existed, but since I literally played my Wish cd to death years ago, I downloaded it and listened to the song. Just had to share.

Finding some good

Ok anyone who knows anything about me knows that finding the good in something is not really me at all. I am possibly one of the most pessimistic people around, and that goes back to before Caleb died. Only now it's worse then ever.

Well I checked the mail a little while ago, and in it, was a small card, and some scrapbooking dragonflies from an internet friend (Thank you Catherine!!!! Thank you for always thinking of Caleb!!) and it made me think, maybe I HAVE gotten something from Caleb's death. I have gained some amazing friends. Friends that don't hesitate to try to make things better for you because they have all been there and they get it. I hate that ANY of us have to know what it's like to lose a child. I hate that any of us know this devastation, but since we do, I am so glad we have found each other to lean on. Now if we only all lived on a secluded island somewhere with a few doctors and lots of monitoring equipment for future pregnancies, we would be set.

It's funny, but I had something I wanted to post about earlier that had me seriously annoyed, but I think I will leave this as a somewhat positive note. I'll get back to my usualy self later.

Wow I am a horrible wife. I really am. I got my dh a book to read to E, and E's handprints in a frame (which I will probably re-do because I don't like the way they turned out) and that was it for Father's Day. I suck. But hey, he got to pick where he wanted to eat tonite, so off to Hooters we went (seriously). E LOVED it there. I can't stand it, but dh wanted wings so I agreed to go.

I guess he wasn't totally neglected for Father's day though, we finally managed to squeeze in some bd. I am not totally sure my chart is right, and I am not thinking I o'd at all but it's not a big deal. We weren't trying this month, we didn't really want another March baby (but of course I would take whatever I get and whenever I get it). Basically this cycle was to let things get back to normal.

I wish Caleb had been here today. I wish he is here EVERY day, but holidays always make it more intense. Makes me very aware of what's missing. We were so robbed not having both of our boys here on earth with us. What the hell did we do to deserve this?

Ya know, coverlines kind of lose their significance when there is absolutely no bd on your chart. I got my coverline today, but I am not totally sure that I even O'd. I always had O pains, but this time there was nothing. Who knows, it's been so long since I had an O pain, I am not totally sure I would know what it was. Looks like if I O around the same time next month, dh will be working and we will have to really work to get a chance to bd. Should be interesting to see if we go through with it, or if we chicken out.

Evan has been sick and clingy which isn't so much fun when you are majorly sunburned! I have literally had to carry him around for the past 3 days. I feel so bad for him when he's sick. It breaks my heart. I wish there was something I could really do for him. He seems to be feeling a LITTLE better, but still really clingy and whiney. I am hoping that tomorrow is much better. At least dh is off to help out with him some. I am worn out.

Sorry I have been so slack on trying to keep up with blogs. i just can't seem to get it together. I will get caught up soon I hope.

14 Pictures

How is it that someone who has changed my life forever left behind so little? I am sitting here with Caleb's photo album, and his 14 pictures (thought there was a whole roll of film taken? so where are the REST?). 14. That's all. What a waste.

Sorry I have been neglecting my blogs (both reading AND writing). My mom is still here. We had some days that were fun days and now we are trying to get some things like hanging pictures and curtains done around here. We went to the beach yesterday (Evan's first trip!) and all of us got major windburn (so much for using SPF 45 sunscreen!!) I am the worst, I can't really stand up without being in severe pain, and Evan just got slightly pink on his face and arms. He doesn't seem to be in pain, but last night was hell with him. He came home from the beach with a runny nose, and didn't seem like he's feeling all that great. We put him to bed, and less then 30 minutes later, he was screaming at the top of his lungs. DH went and got him out of bed, brought him to me, and then he went back to bed (he had to be at work at 4am) so that left me to deal with a sick baby all night. I ended up sleeping with Evan on his bedroom floor (couldn't get him back in the crib, so it was the floor or the rocking chair!) I think Evan woke up every hour on the hour last night, and then was up for good at 6:30 am. UGH. God I hope tonite is better!

Sorry I have been MIA lately. Mom and the kids came up so we have been doing kid friendly things like going to the zoo and the aquarium. E is having a blast. That kid adores his grandma, and she adores him, so he can get away with just about anything with her. It's nice for me because I actually have a little help with him. They are supposed to leave on Tuesday. Hopefully then I can get back to posting.

E has finally said his first word. "Go". He points his finger at you and says "GO" over and over. It is SO cute. (once again, I am biased) He sits in the carseat and points at the cars in front of us and yells "Go". Absolutely too cute! I can't believe all of the "baby" is almost gone. He is such a toddler now! He also got tooth number 6 (FINALLY) yesterday. He had a REALLY rough night the night before last. He woke up screaming at 2a.m. and couldn't calm himself back down so he ended up in our bed, and still woke up at 6a.m. (really early for him, he usually wakes up at 8:30!) I was really worried about him sleeping in our bed, didn't want to have to break that habit again, but he was fine last night.

My chart is ALL screwed up. I don't know what is up with it. We haven't even had a spare second to BD, and we aren't trying this month anyway, but I really did want to be able to see if I O this month. Maybe I still will. We will see.

Back to the insanity of visitors!

Beaming with Pride

My son has learned 2 very amazing new skills. The first one is he can now shove his entire fist into his mouth until he makes himself puke. Yep, that's right, my son is intentionally making himself puke, and laughing about it. The second is that he has figured out his nose has holes in it, so he stands around with his fingers in his nose. THAT'S MY BOY!!!!

Maybe I am a little biased here, but there is nothing cuter then a 15 month old getting everything in just the right place to go to sleep for the night. It's hilarious. This is a kid that wouldn't sleep in his crib until he was 10 and a half months old. I mean literally, that was the first time he had ever slept in his crib. Before that he nursed to sleep, and slept in my bed. But now, less then 6 months later, I take him to be and put him in his crib, and he puts his pillow in one corner, and grabs his blanket and curls up with it. I stand outside his bedroom door, just out of sight, and watch him. I am totally amazed by him.

Had a pretty good day today. I got to meet an online friend that lost twin sons in March of 2002. We took our kids to the zoo, and I got to meet another friend of hers that lost one of her twins. It was nice to have adult conversation for once, which is something I haven't been getting much of since I don't have any friends up here. I hate that we all have something so horrible in common, but it is nice to have someone that isn't going to judge me for missing my son. It was so horribly hot outside today (heat index was about 104) but it really was worth it. I am so glad I actually went, I wasn't really going to go, they were supposed to meet up right around E's nap time, but he was in a good mood and being pretty easy to deal with so we went. The zoo was packed, so we didn't really do alot of looking at the animals, but I made sure to point all the animals that were easy to see to E. I'm going to try to make an effort to get together with this girl pretty frequently (assuming she felt the same about the day).

My mom is coming this weekend. I am so excited about it! I am so close to her, and it's been really hard living up here without her, and I know how much she misses E so it will be great to get to spend some time with her. She has been my strength more then once since losing Caleb.

I just wanted to thank all of my blogger friends. Its funny how much you girls can mean to me sometimes. It's always nice to know you aren't alone. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

29 Months

He's been gone for 29 months today. I STILL hate the 5th of the month, especially when it falls on a Sunday. Where the hell did 29 months GO? And more importantly, how have I lived 29 months WITHOUT him? God I miss you Caleb. I want to go to his grave. I want to bring him the little stuffed moose I got him a few weeks ago. May have to take a trip to SC soon.

Friday night, dh and the mom of the kid i was babysitting, and her friend got home at 2:45 am. I was NOT a happy camper. Somehow the baby managed to sleep from 9, until his mom came to get him. I was so worried he would wake up and want another bottle, but I kept thinking they would be back "any minute". How responsible is that?? When they got back, dh and I got into it. I told him that I didn't appreciate the complete disrespect he showed me by staying out as long as he wanted, while I sat at home with Evan and his friend's kid. I told him I was sick of "I'm sorry" and that that wasn't going to cut it. He said he's not going to go out again if I can't go. You know, before I would have said that that is ridiculous, but since he can't go out without me and not stay out all night, then I don't think he needs to go out either. Maybe that isn't reasonable, but at this point, I don't really care. The baby's mom apparently wants me to go out with her one night. We'll see about that one.

Annoyed

So here I sit, just past midnight, and they are still not back from the party. Dh said over and over "I don't plan on being gone long." That was at 8. That was 4 hours ago. Did I mention I am babysitting a 3 month old? He's been the sweetest little guy, so I really can't complain, but I am getting a little worried. When they got here his mom told me that she had fed him right before they came. Well she brought one bottle just in case, and pretty much told me it was his bedtime and he would probably go right to sleep. So I changed his diaper, and crammed him back into his too small clothes (don't have any of Evan's old clothes here, we left them at mom's when we moved or I would have changed him) and tried to put him to sleep the way she said he sleeps. The poor little guy was just sucking so desperately on his pacifier that I got the bottle out. He sucked down 6 oz. in 3 minutes flat, and probably would have drank more. WTF is wrong with this girl not to bring extra formula?? He's been sleeping for 3 hours now, and if he wakes up I have nothing for the little guy? I absolutely HATE people who aren't prepared. I mean if you think you need one bottle pack TWO. It just annoys me. I know that you can't always have everything you need for your child all the time, trust me, I have been there, but it just seems like she wasn't trying in this case. She doesn't seem like the most responsible parent to me. UGH. It was nice to hold such a tiny sweet little baby though..............

I added the links to Caleb's and Evan's websites if anyone wants to check them out. I still need to finish adding links to all the blogs I read. Getting too tired tonite though. (not that I can go to sleep yet.........GRRRR. Guess who is getting up early with E tomorrow??? NOT ME!)

Ridiculous

God, Tricare is ridiculous! We called the Dr. they assigned Evan to today, and they told us that they were no longer taking Tricare patients. So WHY didn't TRICARE know that??? So we ended up calling Tricare back and they assigned us to another Dr. So we called that one and set up an appointment for E's well baby visit. This is what really bugs me about the entire thing though. I can't find ANYTHING out about this Dr. Apparently they branched off from another group in May. Yes, MAY. But I still can't find ANYTHING about this person. The phone number isn't even in the phone book. I mean, how weird is that? But what else are we supposed to do? We don't know anyone here, and the people that work with dh all take their kids to Portsmouth, which isn't really an option for us. We decided to go ahead and go to this Dr. for the 15 month visit, and see what we think then. I know I won't find a Dr. like E had in SC. He was amazing and really went out of his way to help us more then once. If we are having this much trouble finding E's Dr. how the hell am I going to find an OB that I am comfortable with when/if I need one???

HA!!!!! I figured it out!!!!!!

Ok so maybe I am ENTIRELY too excited about this, but I FINALLY figured this damn link thing out. I saw something on someone's blog that told me to change the edit me part in the side bar, but I looked and looked and couldn't find it. Well I found it in the help section (hey it WAS good for something after all!) and it said that not all templates HAD that section. And of course mine was one that didn't have it. No wonder I couldn't find the damn thing!! So I am so happy I am bouncing up and down in my chair. Man I gotta get a life!! (and if you don't see your blog's name on the side it's just because I haven't gotten that far, I gotta get to bed. I'll finish tomorrow) NIGHT!!!

Help

Can someone PLEASE help me figure out how to add a list of the amazing blogs I am keeping up with on the side of my blog? I just really can't figure it out! (and I have the sneaking suspicion that it's simple and I am an idiot for not being able to do it, but hey, I can live with that.) I am pretty sure that we all have the same blogs on our list, but I still want to share!

Jeez, why can't I come up with catchy little titles?? Kept trying to think of something, but it just doesn't come. What can I say, I am NO writer, and sure don't claim to be. Anyway, I am kind of feeling the need to clarify things. I don't really know why, maybe for myself more then anyone else, but still, it needs to be done. You see I have been thinking of some of my posts all day, and what I have realized is that I sound PATHETIC. I sound like I need serious mental help (which might be the case anyway) and I sound like I am in the throws of a deep dark depression. You know there probably is some truth to the depression. How can I NOT be depressed when I am miles from family, I have no friends (other then the most amazing women I have EVER known, my internet friends) and I miss my son on a daily basis? But I think the degree of depression that comes out in my posts is a little more extreme. See I use this as a way to get rid of that sadness, or at least TALK about it. If I wasn't able to do that, then maybe I wouldn't be able to take care of Evan and I just can't bare to think about that. I can't let myself cheat Evan out of all that he deserves. I can't let him not have ME. So when the overwhelming grief hits, I come and I get it out, and ALL of you wonderful people encourage me. I just hate that there are SO MANY of us........

Dh is going out tomorrow night. Not real thrilled about it, but someone he worked with got out of the Navy and they are throwing a huge party for her. Apparently spouses aren't invited. So I actually get to stay home and BABYSIT. Yep, you read that one right. I get to watch a 4 month old so everyone can go out and party. What a shitty deal.

We called to find out about E's insurance coverage today because it's time for his 15 month well baby visit, and come to find out, when they filed MY paperwork they left his out. So of course they said they would fix it, blah blah blah, and then we were supposed to call back tomorrow and make the appointment. Well the insurance company actually called US back and got E all set up, and the good news is, the army base they assigned us to before is not taking patients! E gets a civilian doctor!! Of course we don't know of ANY doctors here, and hadn't really tried to find out since we thought we were going to the Army base, so we just kind of picked one. They are affiliated with the children's hospital, and we can always change doctors if we don't like this one. As long as it's one on the insurance plan we get 100% coverage! Dh is going to call tomorrow and set up E's appointment. I am curious to see the different opinions of the new doctor and E's old one. At least SOMETHING was accomplished today!

Reality

I am having one of those days. Maybe it's the rain and cold weather, or maybe it's just the typical missing my boy. I am not totally sure what it is, but does it really matter? I just keep thinking how is it that someone SO important and SO loved and wanted can be so TOTALLY gone? How can we be left with one roll of film, some footprints on a keepsake birth certificate, and 2 outfits (one with little drops of blood on it)? Oh and of course, a grave. How is that ALL we get of our child? How is this right at all? God I want to hold him again. I want him HERE with his brother. I want him HERE with us. I don't want to be left with nothing but a broken heart. I don't want this to be my life. I don't want to miss Caleb forever. I want to go back in time and hold him more. What was wrong with me?? Why did I let them take him away so soon? Why didn't I hold him longer? God I miss you Caleb.

All I can think about

Ok this is crazy. Really, it is. But all I can think of is my chart. I am only on cd2, and we aren't even trying this month (no more March b-days is we can help it!) but I can feel the OCD kicking in. I DREAMT about it last night. The only other time I charted, I got pg on the first cycle, but wow I forgot how all consuming it is. Maybe the thing is that this is the only time we have planned out (in detail) our course for ttc. And maybe part of me is remembering how scary this whole thing is. I really do want another child, have honestly felt the urge since Evan was about 10 months, but am I ready for how terrifying this journey really is? Am I really ready for all the FEAR? (and does it matter? no matter when we try the fear will ALWAYS be there.)