And this is where I go back to being self involved. Here I sit at almost 1a.m. WAITING FOR IM TO GET HERE. It truely blows my mind how inconsiderate some people can be. She hasn't been here since last night at 1a.m. (and even then it was her telling me she had to go back and get her car, and that since she had to go into work early that she would just stay at her house) and I have taken care of Austin. Yes he sleeps through the night, and no, he hasn't been any trouble. He has been in bed since about 8. That's not the issue here. The issue is, that NO ONE asked me if there was anything *I* wanted to do today. Hell, she didn't even ask if I "minded" like she normally does. It was just matter-of-fact, this is what I am going to do. It was considerably cooler today. Right around 70 degrees. The perfect day to take MY son to the park. But since I was stuck with Austin, and only one carseat, it didn't happen. This whole thing is so unfair to Evan. It's not right that he should have to compromise. I had every intention of talking to IM when she got back tonite. I had it all planned out. I was going to basically just tell her how I was feeling. How I am starting to feel like I am being taken advantage of (and I am). Now, I am too tired to go into all of it. And HER baby is going to wake mine up at 6:30, and chances are, since she is a fuck up at work too, she has to go in for training tomorrow and I will have to watch her kid. FUCK.

Grief is......

-Grief is laughing with your children and wishing for the absent one to make the circle complete.
-Grief is crying in your car at stoplights.
-Some days grief makes you brutally honest; other days,grief muzzles you.
-Grief reconstructs your heart.
-Grief is sadness, hope, smiles and tears - rolled tightly like a snowball.
-Grief makes you search past the stars and the moon for Heaven.
-Grief strips you of everything you were pretending to be.
-Grief gives you new priorities.
-Grief opens hidden treasures from deep within your soul.
-Grief allows you to empathize more deeply with others who ache.
-Grief makes you unapologetically bold.
-Grief is a daily companion, best dealt with by admitting you do walk with it, even after all these years.
-Grief is the price of love; grief is a gift.

I saw this on a message board I post on, and wanted to share. How true....

Thinking of Laura and Justin tonite. I am so sorry the tadpole is gone. And i'm pissed. This is just not right. You guys are in my thoughts.

My son is DETERMINED to kill me. Seriously. I see heart failure in my future.

Today dh left for SC. While he was upstairs getting ready, Evan was his little shadow. It was too sweet really. Anyway, when dh came downstairs, Evan followed a little behind, and at some point fell. I am not sure how many stairs he fell down, but it doesn't matter. I heard that thump, and my heart stopped. He was fine. I think it scared him more than anything else. God I hate that ceramic tile at the bottom of the stairs though!

So then, not too long after that, he decided to climb up on a 12 pack of bottled water to reach things on the kitchen counter. Once again, I heard a thump, I went in to see what had happened, and he had a big knot on his forehead.

And tonite he discovered it's FUN to climb up on the couch and dive back off HEAD FIRST. Over and over. He did this for over 30 minutes. That one was actually kind of funny, although it scared the crap out of me every time he did it.

So that brings us up to bedtime. Austin was screaming (his mom is at her house packing) so I was busy trying to calm him down. I looked over at Evan, and he is standing on the OUTSIDE of the stairs (wrong side of the railing) and has leaned through the railing, and is STUCK. So I had to put Austin down, and wiggle my son back through the railing. Then as soon as I got back to pick Austin up, Evan is climbing up the stairs. I look over just in time to see him DIVE HEAD FIRST. He is FINE, but scared the crap out of me. I don't know how we haven't ended up in the ER yet. He's in bed now, but I almost expect this to be the night he climbs out of the crib, and of course hits the floor head first. The night is far from over.......

No wonder I have so much grey hair.

I have been so wrapped up in IM's crap, that I haven't had a chance to let you all know what else is going on. Dh and I decided we DO want to ttc. It's weird, but even with the added stress of having her here, we have still been getting along SO much better. We used to be short with each other, and an arguement was pretty easy to start, but we seem to have a patience with each other that wasn't there before. We both understand that we are really stressed out, and that things we might think are aimed towards each other really aren't. We have kept the lines of communication open, and I don't think we have yelled at each other at all in about a month. Thats HUGE for us. We have ALWAYS yelled.

I was holding Austin the other night and giving him a bottle, and Evan came up to get my attention. He, of course, wanted to sit ON Austin, but I directed him to my side and got him to sit with my arm around him, and I read him a story. Dh was sitting there just watching. And that was when he said he was ready. That he wanted another baby. And more importantly, he thinks WE are ready.

But having Austin here also makes me doubt my ability to take CARE of more than one child without totally losing my temper/ patience. Evan has been insanely difficult lately, and honestly, I think it's MOSTLY jealousy. He has never had to share me. He has always had my complete attention, but now I have to take care of Austin too. So, I have found myself not dealing too well with Evan's tantrums, and wondering if I am truely capeable of all of this. I do know that if we have another baby, our kids will NOT be 11 months apart like Austin and Evan are. And I also think that things will be different when I have an emotional attachment to BOTH kids I am taking care of. And I won't have the added annoyance of IM laying on her ass on the couch while I take care of her kid. I am sure that has to be part of it.

So anyway, I have started charting again. Dh said he guessed we "never really stopped trying", but then I pointed out that we were not having sex at the right times. So he said "Maybe we SHOULD."

So we will try, and we will see what happens. And if IM is still here when I get my BFP, she better pack her bags. It's time for MY family to have some time that doesn't revolve around someone else.

I just tried to get to my blog and it told me I was unauthorized to view this site. Ummm WTF?? Obviously it has issues, but whatever, I tried again, and here I am.

IM was supposed to get the money today and put in the deposit for a townhouse in our complex. It's didn't happen, but supposedly it's going to happen tomorrow. I'm not holding my breath. The Navy SAID they were getting her housing, then made it next to impossible for her to sctually get it. They told her that she had to have "custody" of Austin, so she could claim him, and get more housing money. Well her soon to be ex won't take him off of HIS paperwork, so this means she will have to actually get an attorney to do the dirty work for her. The cheapest she can find is $1500. She can't get $1500 if she has to pay rent......well you see where this is going right? So she has given up on base housing and said she can afford to pay what we pay in rent, so now she is going to be our neighbor. Just. Great.

Yesterday was a hellish day. I guess what started it all was IM. Her son woke mine up early, which is never a good start. She didn't try to sleep while I took care of Austin, so that's a start, but then she waited until I was trying to give Evan his cereal to bring Austin to the kitchen to feed him a jar of babyfood. Feeding Evan has been a nightmare lately, and the tiniest distraction makes it totally impossible, so I had to fight him to get him to eat. But eventually he DID eat. IM went to get a bowl of cereal for herself, and I pointed out there was almost no milk. So she put it away and didn't get anything to eat. I then took Evan upstairs for his bath, and when we came back down, she was eating a bowl of cereal, and the milk container was on the counter. Gee, why am I not surprised? So she decided to give Austin a bath (the second one she has given him in 3 weeks!) but it's Austin's naptime, so he's CRANKY. It's ok though, I have done the same thing to Evan. We just hurry so he can get to his nap as soon as possible. Ummm NOT her. She gives him his bath, then brings him downstairs, and he's screaming already. She gets an outfit, then says it's not the outfit she wanted, so she goes upstairs (leaving Austin on the couch, where he tries to roll off and I catch him) and gets an outfit out of the pile of clothes *I* washed for him (apparently she thinks the laundry fairy comes and leaves them, or they fall from the sky or something because she has not said one damn word about it). She gets him dressed, then gets out a Q-tip and cleans his ears, without holding his head still I might add. The poor kid is SCREAMING from exhaustion, and my dh is trying to sleep because they have to work overnight. THEN she gets out the bulb syringe (snot sucker) and sucks out his nose "Just in case"! Seriously, she said "Just in case". I am sorry but that is ONE thing I will NEVER EVER do "just in case" to my son. Oh, and she didn't hold his head that time either. So after that (yes, there is more) she gets out the fingernail clippers and starts to clip his nails. I grabbed Evan up, and went upstairs to my room. I really couldn't stand it a second longer. I knew dh was awake with all of the screaming anyway, so I went and vented.

When I came downstairs, she was still holding Austin, and he has passed out in her lap while she was finishing his nails. Evan and the cat started chasing each other, and squeals of delight followed, which of course woke Austin up. She shot me the WORST look, and sighed, but didn't say a word. (I had kind of hoped she would hehehe) She picked him up and said "I'm going to take him and lay him down, I think he's ready for a nap."

So that got me off to a really bad start for the whole day. Lunch with Evan was no fun, he has started crushing his food and throwing it on the floor. I lost my patience with him and felt like a shitty mom for it. Then when I took him up to take his nap, he screamed for an hour before finally passing out he was so tired. I tried to comfort him, but it just pissed him off more, so I gave up and let him CIO while I sat on his bedroom floor. After his nap, when dh and IM had gone to work, he was so jealous I could barely take care of Austin too. Evan wanted to go outside so badly, and I couldnt take him because I have nothing I can do with Austin while I play with Evan. I thought about putting him in a stroller, but I know Evan would just want to push that around. Evan kept turning off the tv, and then walking to the back door. He even brought me his shoes. I just kept telling him we couldn't go outside. This whole damn situation is unfair to him.

Dh is going to SC tomorrow. I was supposed to go too, but I am staying here so IM will have a place to stay. This should be FUN. I think if it wasn't for the fact that dh is going to see his best friend get married, he wouldn't go at all. He said he was worried he would come home and find her hanging somewhere. Hmmmmm, not a bad idea.

Things here have gotten increasinly insane, and by the end of the day when I get a minute to post, I am too exhausted to even consider typing it all out. Austin's mom gets more and more inconsiderate every day, and is pretty damn lucky she hasn't found herself out on her ass yet. She managed to get here in time on Friday morning for us to get to Evan's dr appointment (although we were pretty late) and it has gone down hill from there. Austin had shots on Friday (did I mention he had a dr appointment too? I can't remember) so he was fussy all day. She took him to see his daddy, so they were gone the majority of the day, but when she got here, she wasted no time getting on my nerves.

I was on the phone with mom telling her how Evan's appointment went (I will get to that in a minute) and I walked into the kitchen to see I.M. giving her son EVAN'S tylenol. I assumed that since my dh was sitting right there, that he had told her it was ok, but when I asked later, he said she just got up and got it out of the cabinet. I went back to the cabinet, got the unopened bottle of tylenol, and the unopened bottle of motrin, and hid them both.

Yesterday morning I opened the fridge to get Evan a snack, and she has eaten ALL of Evan's cheese sticks.

Saturday morning, austin woke up at 6am screaming. When I went in there to get him, Evan heard me and also woke up. So I got Austin, and took him downstairs to his mommy. She was sitting in the dark eating one of Evan's cheese sticks. I plopped Austin down on her. She looked at me like "What?" and I just said "Austin woke up screaming, now Evan's up" and I went back upstairs. I got Evan and put him in my bed with me and dh, and we just hung out for a little while. Then dh took Evan downstairs for his drink and breakfast, and let me sleep in some. Apparently while I was asleep, Evan was downstairs playing. Austin and his mom had fallen back to sleep on the couch, and Evan woke them up. I.M. woke up and YELLED at dh to "Shut him up!!!" and Evan ran to his daddy and grabbed his leg. Dh let it go saying she was asleep when it happened, but also told her she was NOT to yell at his child ever again, and pointed out the fact that she had scared him out of his mind. She went to Evan and hugged him and told him how sorry she was. She's lucky she still has a place to stay.

Yesterday I ended up digging one of Evan's old outfits out of the closet so Austin would have something clean to wear. He was filthy and none of his clothes were clean. Can you guess who had to wash his clothes?? I bet you can.

And you know, when she came home from work, and her child was dressed in Evan's clothes, she never said one word about it. Nothing. Not "I am so glad you have something for him to wear, I was going to was clothes tonite" or "I am so sorry, I didn't realize he didn't have any clean clothes.". Instead, she grabbed her camera, and took a pic of him, and then fed him without a bib, and got spaghetti all over the outfit. NONE of my son's old clothes are stained. I took very good care of his stuff so it could be used again (hopefully). He won't be wearing anything else of Evan's.

Oh and another thing, they have been here 3 weeks tomorrow. Wanna guess how many baths she has given him? ONE. I have given him 2, and dh has given him 1. GROSS.

So you see how well she takes care of her kid. And why I have a hard time just telling her to get out. Who would take care of him if dh and I didn't?

But enough about her. I know several of you had asked about Evan's appointment. It went pretty well. The Army hospital is an odd experience, but I did like the Dr., so that's a good thing. When you sign in, the receptionist tells you to strip your kid to the diaper. I thought I must have heard her wrong at first, but then I looked around and there were little naked babies all over the room. Usually when the shorts come off, Evan takes his diaper off, but luckily he left it on this time. The rest of the appointment was routine. After calling the last office we went to to find out what his last vaccine was, we found out that he was totally up to date until he is 4, so he didn't get any shots. They did have him get his Iron levels checked, and while they were at it, they did a lead test. We had to take him to the lab, and they tied a tourniquet, and drew blood out of my baby's arm. It was HORRIBLE. He screamed his head off, the nurse had to blow in his face to get him to take a breath. Thank God dh was there with me, because I don't think I could have been the one to hold him down for that. The lab tech and the sergeant that were in there were both REALLY good, the sergeant held his arm without hurting him, and I thought SHE was going to cry. It was all over pretty quick, but that look on his face just broke my heart. I must have told him how sorry I was about 15 times. By the time we got outside, he was ready to walk to the car like a big boy. He's such a trooper.

I am once again sorry that I have fallen so far behind on blogs. I am working on getting caught up. Hopefully by tonite. I've got more to tell, but it will have to wait.

I am getting so tired of all of this. I have so much to post, but not sure I will have time for most of it. Tomorrow is Evan's 18 month well baby appointment. DH just went to find the hospital we are supposed to be taking him because neither one of us knew where it was. Evan's appointment is at 9:30, but we have to be there early since he has never been there before. Well that means we need to leave here no longer than 9. Austin's mom has PT (Physical Training) at 7:30 about 30-40 minutes away from here. Which means we will most likely have Austin when it comes time for us to leave. This is where we have a problem. Austin has a well baby appointment tomorrow too. His is at 10:30, but it's about 45 minutes in the opposite direction of the place we are taking Evan. So chances are, either me or dh has to stay here with him. This sucks. I have ALWAYS taken Evan to his appointments, but this is an Army hopspital, and I have never been to a military medical clinic, so if it comes down to it, I think dh will have to be the one to take him. This whole thing pisses me off since I told Austin's mom 2 weeks ago that she needed to call and reschedule HIS appointment (Evans can't be changed since this place only has a one hour time period each day that they do well baby appointments.) Ugh, this SUCKS.

I am too tired to go into anything else tonite. I have had a headache that won't go away from the time I got up this morning. I think I am headed to bed.

hehehehehe Dh woke up today, went straight to the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher. Let's see how long THIS lasts.

Welcome to My Pity Party

I have once again been a bad blogger. It just seems like I don't have the energy to keep up. I am totally exhausted. Austin and his mommy are still staying here, and I am still the free child care provider apparently. I have figured out ways to make her get off her ass while she is here, but she still doesn't hesitate to make plans to go out with friends as soon as Austin is asleep. And she usually doesn't bother to ask if it's ok with us until she has MADE the plans. I told dh to have a talk with her today, but I doubt he will. ::sigh::

Watching Evan and Austin breaks my heart into a million peices. Evan has turned into this total big brother. It amazes me. He tries to help with diaper changes, he pats his back when he cries, and wipes his mouth when he's eating. He has even gotten to the point where he tries to pick Austin up. When he hears Austin on the baby monitor, he will go to the bottom of the stairs and say baby and point up the stairs. The boys are 11 months apart. Caleb and Evan are 14 months apart. I hate that I never got to see Caleb be a big brother to Evan. It's just not fair, all of the countless things we have missed. God I miss him.

I am starting to feel a bit like a slave lately. It just never seems to end. Dh and Austin's mom come in, and lay around on the couches, and eat. And I have to clean up the unreal messes they leave in the kitchen. Not to mention the socks they both leave on the floor. Dh will do things, but not unless you specifically ask him to. Like he can't smell the damn litterbox. I got up with both babies this morning (which wouldn't bug me nearly as much if they were both MINE) fed them both, changed them both, unloaded the dishwasher, loaded it again, cleaned out the litterbox, vaccumed the floor and this was all before noon. Austin's mom didn't move at all. The cat got some food scraps out of the sink and was throwing them all over the kitchen, so I yelled at him. Dh asked what was wrong, so I snapped back "I already have to clean up after 2 babies and 2 adults, so why not the cat too????" Yeah, it was bitchy, but I think he got the hint.

On a funnier note, I saw Evan playing with our old phone. He had a notepad, and he looked through it like he was trying to find a number. Then he put the phone up to his ear, and said "hello". Then he paused, then jabbered a little, the paused again. Then he said "NO!!" and slammed the phone down!!! It was hysterical!! I know for a fact he has never seen any of us do that, so not sure where it came from, but it was truely funny!!

Then last night, when dh got home from work, he walked in the door, and Evan looked right at him, and told him to "Go!". Of course he looked REALLY worried when dh walked back outside. He is SOOO entertaining!!

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I just had a nice long post, and blogger ate it. UGH. I am not going to try to type it all back out, but did want to brag on my boy. Last night after we went to the grocery store, Evan was helping with the groceries as usual (which usually means he takes things out of the bags, and if it's in a box, he tries to open it). He grabbed a can of soup out of one of the bags, and took it over to the cabinet and PUT IT AWAY!!! He has never done that before. Usually he takes thing OUT of the cabinets! I was just soooo proud of him. I made a HUGE deal out of it. Then he grabbed the toilet tissue, and his daddy's deodorant and took them to the stairs (what we usually do until we get a chance to take stuff up there). I just don't know how my baby boy got so grown up so fast!!!

Gee, can't get on FF AGAIN today. I tried and tried all day to get on yesterday and I think finally managed to get on around 9pm. Sure am glad I don't pay for VIP or I would be PISSED.

TMI coming........

I meant to post about this yesterday, but never got the chance to get back to it. Dh and I bd the night before last, and well, we didn't use any type of birth control or anything. I was pretty sure I am well past O so it's no big deal. So when we got done, dh does his thing, the looks at me and says "oops". I told him it was no big deal. And he said "no it's isn't." So I just said I am pretty sure it's too late in my cycle for it to matter and he just said again "it really is no big deal". I went to pee, and thought about it, then came back into the bedroom and I asked him what the hell he meant by that. He basically told me that if I got pg, he would be very happy. Now what the hell does THAT mean? Does it mean that he wants to TRY? Or does it just mean that if it happens, it happens, and he will be happy? I haven't gotten a chance to talk to him about it yet, but I definately plan to bring it up. It just totally threw me off!!!

Evan has taken Austin's bottle and he is shaking it (she uses powder formula for him, so Evan has seen us shake the bottles) so guess I need to step in. He's just such a "helper".

Wiggles

Just found out the Wiggles are coming to Hampton in November. I am seriously considering trying to get tickets to take Evan. He LOVES the Wiggles. Now the quetion is, am I capeable of taking him and not SOBBING the whole time?? Even now when I watch the show and they have scenes from their live shows and they show all the little kids dancing around, I tear up. So how could I go and have those little dancing kids all around me??? Evan's new thing is walking around singing one of the Wiggles songs ("Quack Quack Quack Quack Quack, Cock-A-Doodle doo!!!!" only it is just "cak cak cak cak cak" when Evan sings it) and if they are on tv, he stops whatever he was doing so he can watch. I guess we will wait and see how expensive the tickets are.

People are Scum

I now have a foot long scratch on the side of my van. No idea how it got there, or who did it. I have made TWO payments on it, and now it has a dent and a scratch on it. I know it's not a big deal, I mean it's a minivan, it's going to get banged up, but damn it, let ME (or my kids) be the one to do it!!! Assholes could have at least been nice enough to let me know they did it. Oh and it had to have happened here at home. Right in front of my apartment. I really really hate people.........

Oh and remember the woman that was kept on life support, in a coma (she had cancer) so that her baby could live. The baby died yesterday. Fucking nice huh??? Here's the article about the baby's birth
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-08-03-torres-obit_x.htm

Frustration

The boys are both in bed. Evan is screaming at the top of his lungs. Something he has been doing since around 4 this afternoon. It's been tantrum after tantrum. It just took 30 minutes to get a diaper on him. And I think I am honestly hurt now. My shoulder is killing me. I tried to hold him and talk to him and try to get him to calm down, and it got worse. I just didn't know what to do, so I just sat him down on the floor. Then he climbs up on me, still screaming, like he wants me to hold him and comfort him, but won't actually LET me hold him. So I held him down the best I could, put his diaper and pajamas on him, and stuck him in bed. I couldn't comfort him, so no point in going up to try now that he is screaming in the crib. Ugh I wish I knew what was going on with him. I hate myself for losing my patience with him. I don't think he felt good today, he woke up this morning 2 hours early (5am!!!). I am EXHAUSTED. Thank God dh is off tomorrow (so is I.M.) so hopefully I will get a LITTLE break. I am starting to feel a little like a slave. Only now I am cleaning up after 2 other adults, and 2 babies. UGH.

Just put the boys in bed. Please please please please let Evan actually sleep through the night tonite. The past 2 nights have been rough. Evan has had this mystery fever off and on for the past 3 days. It started Friday right around 4:30 in the afternoon, and he got a rash on one side of his face out of nowhere. Of course this was after the pediatric clinic he is supposed to go to is closed, so I took the wait and see approach. The rash went totally away, and the fever lowered, so I figured he was fine. Well he has gotten the fever at some point every day since. No other symptoms except not sleeping well, and he gets clingy while he has the fever. When it goes away, he is fine again. God I wish he could just tell me what hurts, if anything.....

On the irresponsible mom front, I just can't get her to see what she does can really hurt her if her dh decided to use it. She has been here since tuesday and has gone out to a club TWO of those nights. Yes it was after her son was in bed, and yes he was safe, but it's still not a good idea. It would be very easy for her dh to say that she would rather go out than take care of her son. Her theory is that she doesn't go out unless she knows her son is well taken care of. Ugh, grow the hell up.

And the thing with her going out means she doesn't get much sleep, so the next day she is tired. So after she gives him his bottle, she sits him on the floor and then SHE goes to sleep. So guess who takes care of her kid while she naps??? Well, today, when he was on the floor crying, I took Evan and went upstairs to my room. There is no way that I am going to be punished because she is tired from going out. Hell, I didn't get much sleep either, but that is because I was here taking care of my child (like I should be) while he was waking up in the middle of the night. She works overnight tonite, so I guess she will expect me to take care of him all day again tomorrow. Not happening.

There IS good news in all of this though. For one thing, dh and I had a talk and decided that while she was here, we will give each other the benefit of the doubt. By that I mean that we both know that having her here is adding ALOT of stress to the situation, and if we get snappy with each other (and we HAVE) then we both pretty much agreed to let it go. I am totally impressed at how well we have managed to let things go. Really impressed.

More good news, she won't be here much longer AT ALL. She should be gone by the end of the week. Her and dh's command found out she is staying here, and they have a problem with that. See dh outranks her, so it's a conflict of interest. I hate how the Navy gets so involved with people's lives sometimes. He basically got called into the office and chewed out for helping her. They said he should have called them and let them know what was going on. Ummm hello, she told them what town she was staying in, and has also been riding to work every day with dh. Gee that is hard to figure out. So they have ORDERED her to move into base housing, and are making her get her car fixed (the Navy will give her a loan). Usually it takes MONTHS to get into base housing, but they are going out of their way for her, and she is pissed because she doesn't want base housing on THAT base. She would rather live at Little Creek because that is closer to her friends.

Can ya tell she annoys the hell out of me??????

Now off to try to catch up on blogs, I am soooo out of the loop!!!

So so so so so tired today. I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning when I heard Evan wake up. And of course when he woke up, so did Austin. Dh is still working on his days off, and so is Austin's mom. Dh hasn't had a day off in 2 and a half weeks, and it's wearing him down.

Austin's mom went out last night with a friend. She asked me if it was ok, and if I would watch Austin. I told her (honestly) that I had no problem watching Austin, he was going to be in bed anyone, so it's not like he was much work. I DID tell her that I thought going out was a bad idea though. I told her that depending on how dirty her dh wants to play, he can find a way to use ANYTHING against her. I pointed out that she really needs to lay low and be on her best behaviour, but she didn't seem to care. Her point was that at least she left Austin somewhere where he was safe and well taken care of. God she's got to get her head out of her ass. So anyway, after coming and asking "Are you mad at me?" she left to go out to a bar that she always went to before (and not far from her house) and stayed out until 3am.

But her being gone gave dh and I some time to talk. I stayed up until 1am talking to him. We talked alot about her, and how her being here is probably going to stress us out and that we need to try to remember we have extra stress and not to take it out on each other. Things really ARE better now though. Not ALL better, but better.

Evan got his first scraped knee yesterday. Amazingly, he didn't care AT ALL. We were outside sweeping up all the sawdust on the patio, and he kept taking the broom and dustpan. Well the broom of course is way too long for him, so it knocked him off balance, and he hit the cement. His wrist was scraped up, and so was his knee. He cried a little, and I picked him up to inspect his cuts, and he wouldn't even let go of the broom. So I put him back down and he went right back to sweeping. Blood and all. That kid is amazingly tough. It's crazy. And he is going to give me a heart attack by the time I am 30.

I'm sorry I have been such a bad blogger. I really need to get caught up, but it just doesn't seem to be possible right now. If something big happens, someone comment on my blog so I will know (please lol). Hopefully I will get caught back up tonite.

Feeling destructive??

I went outside to throw away a poopy diaper (all those diaper pails that CLAIM to keep the smell inside of them, ALL lies......) and couldn't get out of my gate to the trash can. There is a scaffolding and a truck with a lift, and they are apparently cutting down the only tree back there. Ummm ok. This sucks. Now every morning, the sun is going to shine, nice and bright, straight into Evan's room. And of course if they aren't done with the chainsaw soon, he's not going to be able to take a nap. But I can't complain too much. He's been standing at the back door watching them since he noticed them about 20 minutes ago.

Are you kidding me???

So now, on top of everything else, we have temporary roommates. Nice huh? Irrisponsible mom left her hubby, and has no where to go, so being the nice people we are, we let her and Austin stay here. I just couldn't let her not have a place to stay with the baby. If it was just her that would be one thing.....

Apparently, her dh was cheating. She came home from working over night, and her son was asleep in the crib, her dh no where to be found, and 2 drunk people passed out in her living room. She, of course, went nuts and hunted him down. He then told her that everything she thought she knew about him was a lie, and then accused HER of cheating, and said he was getting a gun and going after several people that she had supposedly slept with.

Great guy, huh??

So she called the cops, who did NOTHING, and wouldn't even give her an escort to get some of her things. Her dh took the car that is running (she has another car, but it's broken down, and he was supposed to get it fixed) and refused to give her the carseat. She ended up taking Austin to a friend's, and then that friend found a neighbor that had kids that had outgrown their carseat, and they borrowed that one so they could bring Austin to me (she still had to go to work with all of this going on). They brought the baby to me, and he was in a booster carseat, which is NOT right for him, so the guy that brought him to me and I went to the exchange and got her a new carseat and installed it in my van.

So I have no idea how long she will be here. Dh and I haven't even had a chance to REALLY discuss things. I do know that there is no way we will be able to feed her etc, so she WILL have to contribute some. This is just totally insane. Out of the 5 years (almost 6 now) that dh and I have been married, we have lived together without someone else for MAYBE a year of that. UGH.

Oh and so now if I need to go anywhere, I have 2 babies to deal with, and guess what?? They are repaving our section of the parking lot. So right now I have NO idea where dh moved my van. It is at one of the other buildings, but who knows which one. Have I mentioned I miss my house???????????

I know it could really be so much worse

So I feel like shit for complaining about my petty problems, knowing how much worse things could truley be. But I can't help myself. I really miss my house. Desperately. After listening to the neighbors booming bass all night, and people coming and going and POUNDING on their door, and then standing on the front doorstep (which we share with them) talking as loud as they possibly could all night long, I am just so sick of it. I truely can't stand these people. These are the same ones that can't park their huge Expedition (which they like to wash with a bucket at 11 pm, no water hose) that sits on it's 24 inch rims. I really really can't stand them. I just caught one of them putting trash in our trashcan. Which doesn't sound like a big deal, but this is a trashcan that we share with the family on the OTHER side of us, and once it's full, we have to go all the way to the one dumpster all the way at the far end of the complex. Oh and their music is still booming. I can hear it over the tv, and it shakes our walls. We were washing clothes a couple of days ago, and this woman comes over and BANGS on our door to ask if we are running water because she can hear it. Yesterday, the power kept flickering off and on, and she came back again to BANG on the door to see if it was happening here too. She is going to drive me nuts.

But I know alot of people don't even have walls to shake right now, or big giant Expeditions to wash............

The more I watch the CNN coverage of Katrina's aftermath, I wonder why they arent mentioning the fact that ALOT of the people stayed in New Orleans by choice. And I don't mean by choice because they didnt have the money. The thing is, when they evacuate, there will always be people that decide to stay thinking it won't be that bad, or they just simply don't want to leave their homes because they didn't know how long it would take them to get back. I think the damage is WAY beyond what any of them thought would happen. It doesn't matter why they stayed, as long as they get them the hell out of there. I am just sick of hearing everyone standing around blaming each other.

Another thing I am wondering, with all the mentions of babies not having formula, where the hell is Enfamil and Similac and all the other companies that make formula??? Why aren't they sending huge truckloads of the ready to serve formula?? Or are they and no one has mentioned it?

I DID donate what I could to the Red Cross through their website last night (which was always my plan anyway, that is who we usually donate to since we have had to depend on them before ourselves. They help military families get messages to each other, etc.). I am going through clothes, etc, and will have them ready when people are more able to take that type of donation since right now that they really want is money. I just wish I could do more.

Forgot to mention

Yesterday someone knocked on my door. She said she was a neighbor, but I have never seen her (this is a pretty big apartment complex, so it's entirely possible). Anyway, she was going door to door asking for money so she could go down to New Orleans to find her family members. I didn't have any cash, so I didn't give her anything (we never EVER have cash on us) But the sad thing was, I kept wondering if she was really telling the truth. Did she REALLY have family down there? Or did she just see an oppourtunity to take advantage of people??? There have already been several reports of people pretending to be fire fighters collecting money. If she is truely a neighbor in need, I feel like shit for not helping her, but how do you really KNOW? I don't have much to donate to start with, so I would rather it go to someone I KNOW will be using it for the right thing.

And I go against the Grain once again....

I can't seem to turn the tv away from CNN for the past week. Everytime dh comes in, he turns it, but everything just seems so insignificant. I am probably the only one that is NOT going to bash W for this one. I am not making excuses for him, I do think that relief took WAY too long to get there, but I also think that it wasn't HIS fault. I think part of the problem was that he had no idea how bad things REALLY were until he saw them for himself. I know it's no excuse, and he screwed up, but I also don't think he was alone in that screw up, and I don't think it matters at this point.

What I am TRUELY disgusted by is all of the comments about racism. What the hell is THAT about?? And what GOOD does it do??? Is it getting any of those people any help? Is it saving lives??? I don't think any of it has anything to do with racism. NO is a very very poor place (for the most part) and most of those poor people are black. But I don't really know if any of this would have worked out any differently if there was a bunch of white people down there. Now if you want to say it's because they are poor.......well maybe that one is true.

It all just breaks my heart. People want to sit around and bitch and complain about how things aren't being done right, etc. but how is that helping? Can't all that negative shit wait until after all of these people at least have water??? It really makes me physically ill.

The Saga continues, God please grant me patience....

I called to make an appointment for Evan's 18 month well baby check up today and guess what??? He wasn't in the system. So after a 30 minute phone call, we got him straight, and I tried to call the pediatric clininc he is supposed to go to. I got a message telling me the business hours, and to please call back during regular business hours. Ummm it WAS during regular business hours. So I called a second number and finally got someone. They only do well baby appointments for ONE HOUR each day. Automatically, that bugs me. Will we be rushed in and out just so they can get all the patients seen? Or will they be willing to actually take some time with us?? I really hope this one works out, because I can't deal with this run around much longer.

Evan has been really difficult today. First it was the cat bowl. He keeps dumping it out so he can put the food back in. The problem is, the bowl has WATER in it too. I would clean up the huge mess, put more food and water in the bowl, and he would dump it all out again. Then he managed to get ahold of an almost full box of cheerios, and dumped the ENTIRE box out on the kitchen floor. It was next to impossible to clean up between him and the cat. And we aren't even half way through the day......

Emotionally Drained

I guess that is the best way to describe the way I feel right now. With the last week, starting with my neice's issues, and then the stuff between me and dh, it's just catching up I think. I am depressed as hell. I think things are actually better then we first thought between me and dh, so that IS promising, but it's still pretty tiring.

I called the insurance company today to tell them which dr to switch Evan to, and once again, was disappointed. This is the thing, when we came here and tried to get ds a dr to start with, none of the military dr's in our area were taking new patients, so we were allowed to find a civilian dr. Well the civilian dr I took him to was just not someone I want to be in charge of his care, so I wanted to change. So I called, told them I wanted to change, and they changed him. Well in the last week, I called the dr we thought he had all this time to make an appointment, just to find out that that dr is not taking our insurance. So after a very frustrating couple of days, I managed to find someone, and actually set up an appointment. Well today when I called to let the company know, they told me that Ft. Eustis is taking patients now so we HAVE to go there. Damn it. I was so pissed I almost cried at that point. I asked the woman how long there has been something open there, and she told me a few weeks. So what I want to know is, WHY no one mentioned this to me before now???? I have called them at least 4 times this week, and this is the first I have been told about this. I FINALLY found him a dr and it means NOTHING. So now I have to call the other dr tomorrow and cancel that appointment, and call the Army hospital at Ft. Eustis and make an appointment there. I am just so fed up with this whole thing. It feels like, at this point that it doesn't end.

I know the dr thing isn't a HUGE issue, but it's just that, on top of everything else, and it's all piling on top of me. I feel like I could just break at any moment. I know so many people have things so much worse then me right now, and I don't really have the right to complain about my life, but it's just the way I feel. I do know it could be worse, and I am truely thankful it's not, but come on, can I please get a break???

Lowe's is matching donations. They should have a drop box of some sort in their stores, so if you can only give $20, they will make it $40. Definately worth the trip to Lowe's if you have one near by.