My original plan was to go back to SC this weekend and spend some time with the family. My nephew's birthday was yesterday, and we were going to have a small family party. And my friend that lives down in Charleston was supposed to come up to Florence, so I was going to get to see her while I was there. With everything going on, I have felt more and more the extreme sence of doom, so I don't think I am going. Well, the doom thing, and the gas price gouging, and then my friend called me to tell me she wasn't going to be in Florence. We are broke, so we really can't afford the trip right now anyway. I am not sure why I feel like it's just not right to go home right now, but the feeling is there and I just can't shake it.

I told dh tonite that I feel like I am in some horrible nightmare that I just can't wake up from. I am not totally sure if it's just our issues making me feel that way anyway. I mean is this REALLY my life??? How the hell did I get here??? Why was I one of the chosen ones to lose our son? I just really don't get it.

I think dh is a little disappointed that I am not going to SC. He wanted the time to really think about all that is going on. And he partially is afraid that I am not going because I don't trust him. That really isn't the case. I do have a little more hope today that we CAN make it through this, but it's going to take time. But there is definately hope.

TTC is off for the time being. We really haven't talked about it since all of this started except for me to say this is probably just not a good time. But you know, the sad thing is, I just can't put away the thermometer just yet.

Thank God I have my sweet little boy Evan. Even if he's NOT so sweet lately.(I HATE teething!!) I don't know what I would do without him.

Soul Searching

So over the last few days, since my dh has opened up and started really letting me know how he feels about thing, I have been doing my own soul searching to see where MY place in all of this is. I think I have part of it figured out. And actually, it's pretty simple. Resentment. I am not totally sure if that is the right word to use, but I just don't have a better one right now. This is the thing, dh doesn't like that we aren't affectionate. I don't like it either. Basically, we lived apart for 2 years. He commuted home on his days off, so he was home on weekends, and that was about it. We both got very used to the other one not being around, and after Evan was born, it got worse. Instead of addressing it, we just let it go. So part of the lack of affection is just habit, and part of it comes from my resentment. I packed up my life and moved up here where I know no one, for him. Now I know that him joining the military was the best choice for our family. I truely DO know that, but at times, it's hard to keep that in mind. You see, eventhough he is just going to work each day, he still gets to leave. And gets to be Evan free. And gets to have adult converation. And when he gets home, I have his laundry done, his food cooked, and he lays on the couch unless I specifically ask him to do something. I know this is a common issue, and I know it can be fixed. We just need to work on it.

So we have both talked about our problems and have them out in the open. Do I think everything is all better now?? No, absolutely not, but it's a start.

Finally managed to find a dr for Evan!!! Yay!! Of course their first available appointment isn't until November 1st, but hey, at this point, we'll take it!! And this dr. is affiliated with the children's hospital here, so hopefully that's a good sign. I guess we'll see.

Thanks for all the input on the situation with my dh. Today, dh had a meeting with one of the higher officers at work, and the officer pointed out quite a few things to him, and gave him alot of advise. This officer has also lost a child. The talk apparently helped dh sort some things out. Or at least start to. He came home from work today, and we talked for about 2 hours. We got alot out in the open, and now we seem to be starting to open the lines of communication and there is hope. I had no idea how serious things were in dh's mind, but now I know, and we are working on things. I am truely making an effort on my part, and it seems like he is making an effort on his. We are going to see what we can do about counselling, but we both know there is one problem with that. We have NO ONE to watch Evan. We will just to see what happens I guess.

Watching the news about Hurricane Katrina, and the absolute devastation, brings alot back to me. You see, when I was about 13, my mom left my dad for a few months. She won a cruise through her job, and on that cruise, she met a man that owned a shop in New Orleans and she went to work for him for a little while (NOTHING sexual, the man was married, and his wife worked in the shop with my mom, etc.) My point is, she lived in New Orleans. She lived on Lake Ponchatrain. There was a levee at the back of her apartment complex. I went down there and lived for about a month. We used to go walk on the levee each night. The levee on Lake Ponchatrain is the one with the 200 ft. breach. What a scary thought.....

My heart breaks for those people.

Just waiting on a call from a dr's office. I finally found one that accepts our insurance, but the girl I talked to wasn't sure if they were taking new patients. The person who handles new patient info was in a meeting and so they are supposed to call me back. I'm not hopeful.

I am trying to decide if ttc right now is really such a good idea. The truth is, dh and I are having problems. I think it is mostly his unhappiness in general, but I also know that I am not innocent. He has mentioned councelling, but I don't know if that's the answer either. I have no intentions of leaving, and am nowhere near as unhappy as he thinks I am. Part of the issue is that he thinks that he is the reason I am not happy. I have tried and tried to tell him that that is just not the case. Part of my unhappiness is being in a different town with absolutely no friends. And of course alot of it is not having both of my boys here with me. I tried to explain to him that certain things cannot be fixed (my unhappiness about not having Caleb here) and that it is in no way a reflection of him. He keeps saying sometimes he thinks I would be happier if he left me. WTF is THAT supposed to mean??? He just kind of sprung alot of stuff on me that I never expected. I knew things were not perfect, but after talking to him the last 2 nights, I just don't know what is going on. I truely do believe alot of it IS his work situation, but I think we need to really figure that out before we decide if we want to bring another baby into the situation. I really could be over reacting though.

I think Evan is almost finished with lunch. We were upstairs cleaning up some earlier, and I was going through his clothes and trying to figure out what he will need for fall, and I came across one of the pairs of shoes I got him to grow into. They are the cutest little leather keds with stitching on them to make them look like baseballs. Anyway, I tried them on him, and they fit, so I don't need to get him any shoes. The funny thing was that he is so used to wearing sandals, that he couldn't walk in them!! It was absolutely hilarious. He looked like a little drunk wobbling all over the place. He got used to them pretty quick though, so I am just thrilled that I won't have to buy shoes for awhile.

Done

I am just absolutely fed up. I called the insurance company today to try to get Evan's dr situation straightened out. I was assigned to yet another pediatrician. So I got off the phone, and tried to call the new dr's office by using the phone number the insurance co. gave me. I got a disconnected number. So, I looked in the phone book. I saw no listing for this dr, and when I looked in the white pages, I got the same number I already had. So I called it again, and yes, it was disconnected, but I got a recording for a new number. I called the new number and got one of the hospital's switchboard operator. I asked for the certain dr I was assigned to, and the person looked his name up..............and had NO listing for him. So, I called the insurance co again, and the person I got this time told me to start calling dr's, find one that takes their insurance, and call them back with the name. Gee aren't you helpful. So I am STILL trying to figure it out. She gave me a list of a couple of dr's to help me out. And some of them aren't in the phonebook. God I am sick of this.

I had a nice long conversation with mom yesterday. We kind of think alot of D's running away comes from a friend of hers that she has been spending alot of time with. This other little girl also lives with her grandma, so I guess they have bonded. Her mom is in prison, and she calls her grandma "mom". Anyway, this little girl has tried to run awy 4 times. D's story is that she was going to this little girl's house, and she got mixed up and went the wrong way. It's hard to tell WHAT the truth is.

Mom is totally lost and doesn't know what to do with her now. D told mom she would run away again unless mom started homeschooling her. Mom doesn't want to automatically give her what she wants (doesn't want to send the message that if you run away we will give you what you want) but she is meeting with D's teacher today to try to find out what the problem is. Maybe we can start getting some answers.

DH went in to work today to start getting some of his qualifications. This is supposed to be his day off, but he has to go get trained, so he had to be gone by 7:30. He woke Evan up almost an hour early, so now he's being really diffacult. This is going to be a long, trying day.

I'm kind of in shock here and don't quite know how to start. My mom just emailed me that my neice (she has custody of her and my 2 nephews) ran away earlier today. She was gone about an hour, but she is home safe now. Her and her brothers were outside playing, when one of them asked my mom if she was hiding. She had apparently run to the stop sign without anyone seeing her. (She is almost 10 years old)
Apparently she has been having trouble with her new teacher at school. She doesn't like her teacher, and kept telling mom she wasn't going to go to school anymore etc. Mom kept telling her she HAS to go to school because it't the law, etc. Mom has custody of the kids because their mom, after accusing my brother of abusing his kids, took off with them and then abandoned them with her mom. Her mom called my mom and basically told her to come get the kids because she didn't want them. So my neice has had a hellish life. There was alot of abuse that went on in her mother's "care" and mom saved the kids from that. My neice has been saying she was going to New York alot lately. They found her today more than a mile from mom's house. They were just about to issue an Amber Alert. Someone from a car dealership called the police because there was a little girl wandering around, lost and the police went to get her. She told the police that if they brought her back to mom's, she would just run away again. So then the police interviewed neighbors etc, to see if my neice was abused by my mom. My poor mom's first thought was that her mother had come and kidnapped her. We have all been so worried about someone snatching those kids and never seeing them again, and now we have to worry about my neice running away. She is now in the system as a runaway. If she does it again, she will most likely be placed into the foster care system. I just feel like I need to do something, but don't know what. There was a time, when her mother had her, when we thought she was dead, or that we would never see her again. Hasn't this family been through enough???

I think I need a drink..............

Is it a bad thing that I have been counting down the hours until bedtime since about 3 this afternoon???? Evan has been HORRIBLE today, throwing tantrum after tantrum. Every time I have stopped him from doing something he isnt supposed to do, he SCREAMS. And once, he hit me and tried to bite me. The look on his face when he realized that hitting me was not a good idea was hilarious though. I basically caught his hand when he swung at me, and got a very seriously pissed off look on my face, so I guess he realized he had crossed a line. I sat him in a chair and told him to sit there for a minute. And he did. Amazing. He's at the table eating right now. I am afraid of what kind of mess he is making........

Is it 8:00 yet?????

AF is here. I knew she would be, and I am ok with it. Just ready to get to the next cycle. For some reason, I am really ready for this one. Not really sure why though.

I am trying to decide if I want to go back to SC alone again. The plan was to go down sometime in the next week or so with dh and mom was going to make a big dinner for all the August birthdays. (dh, my brother, and my nephew all have August b-days) But it looks like there is just not going to be a way for dh to go. He has been working his ass off, and now he has to go in on his days off to work on qualifications. So we really don't know when the next time he gets a day off will be. He told me to go ahead and go, but I dont know if I will. Although the idea of sitting at home with no adult conversation for days and days doesn't sound all that great either. I know mom would love to see Evan, but just don't know if I want to make the trip. I guess since dh isn't going though, I can actually go on a weekend if I want to and the kids won't have school. I'll figure it out in the next day or so I guess.

I almost wish that dh WAS on a ship again at times. He loved his job before. He was a signalman, but they got rid of signalmen, so he was forced to pick something else. So he ended up getting into information technology. He thought he would get to work on computers, but instead, he got stuck in the communications side, and he is miserable. I think part of it is that he is working with Submariners, and he is a surface guy. Two totally different worlds. He was much much happier on a ship, but didn't want to be away from us on deployments, so he went for shore duty. Now he has 2 more years of it. He likes being able to be with us, but I know he would truely be happier on a ship. Part of me wants to tell him to try to get new orders and try to get on a ship, but part of me keeps saying 2 years really isn't that much longer. Why rush him back to a ship????

Welcome Home USS Saipan!!!!

Dh's old ship just pulled in a little while ago. And ya know what??? I STILL cry when I see the damn thing. The site of a ship pulling in is amazing. All those sailors lining the edge of the ship. My neice was amazed that those little white specks were PEOPLE. Thank God dh still has shore duty for 2 more years.
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Forgot to mention this in my last post. I just got off the phone with my mom. She told me that the other day, my nephew Nathan (turns 7 on Monday) brought a yellow pinwheel home from school. He immediately said to mom "Can you please take this to Caleb?" She of course said she would. Then he told her they needed to get a balloon soon. She asked him why, and he said he wanted to send one to Caleb. What a sweet little boy. I really don't expect that kind of thing from him. He was really young when Caleb died, (4 and a half) and he really didn't know what was going on. He knew we were all very sad. But mom has pics of Caleb up everywhere she has pic of her living grandchildren, and always includes Caleb, so as Nathan has gotten older, he is starting to get it I guess. But the balloon thing blows my mind. He has never seen us take balloons to Caleb. That is usually just me and dh. It is just so nice to hear about someone else thinking about Caleb when it feels like everyone else has forgotten.

Ok first off, I want you all to know that I am honestly ok with the BFN this month. The thing is, I know that we really have not been seriously ttc yet. The thing is, we have always been INSANELY fertile. I got pg with Evan the DAY the ship came back from Iraq. With Caleb we casually said we would just stop preventing, and bam, the next month we were pg. Same with the miscarriage I had in 2000. So, eventhough I know we have not really tried, it's weird for us to not be pg yet.

But that is HONESTLY ok. I know that our timing has been off. I know that babysitting has thrown us off because I was just too exhausted to care. I know that with dh's work schedule, it is going to really take more effort. But I am done playing around. I am ready to get this cycle over with and start again. No more playing around.

Now I guess I need to get myself together and call Tricare and try to get Evan's dr. situation figured out.

My temp dropped back below the coverline, and last night i had pretty bad cramps. The weird thing is, they TOOK my coverline. Why would it now say that I didn't O just because my temp dropped below the coverline?? Why wouldn't they just assume af was coming?? UGH I hate ff.

BFN. Just as I thought. And this time it WAS First Response.

Oh and I have cramps.............

Well I didn't end up with Austin today, so that's a start. I woke up this morning and temped, and really thought it was going to be below the coverline. I jumped online to record it, and it's ABOVE the coverline. I don't know WHY, but I feel hopeful. I know I really shouldn't though. Still don't have a test in the house though.......

I called to get an appointment for Evan's 18 month well baby visit. Not sure if you all remember the crap we have been through trying to find him a Dr. up here. Quick recap: We moved up here, tried to find him a Dr. and Tricare told us he was not in the system. So we went to the Naval hospital to set things up in person. A month later, I got a Tricare card for me, but not one for Evan. We called them, and he still wasn't in the system. So still no Dr. Then THEY called us, and told us they had the error fixed, and assigned a pediatrician. We called that pediatrician, and they were not accepting anymore Tricare patients. So we called Tricare back, and they assigned a different Dr. We made an appointment with this person, but I was immediately uncomfortable because I couldn't find ANY info on this place. Couldn't even find this Dr.'s name in the phonebook. But I kept the appointment. I took Evan for his 16 month well baby, and it was a nightmare. The place was just not a place I will ever take him again. So I posted on FF to see if there were any mothers in my area that had a pediatrician they were happy with. I kept getting 2 names. They were in the same practice. So I called Tricare to change. They changed things with no problems at all. So when I tried to call today to set up his next appointment (which should be in Sept.) they told me they don't TAKE Tricare. So now Evan still does not have a Dr. I am just so sick of this. I am at the point where I don't know what the hell to do. i don't know anyone here with kids, and the people we do know with kids all take them to the Naval hospital. We live too far away from there, so they won't assign us to the hospital. (and no one really likes the hospital's care either). I really never knew how good we had it with his old Dr.

He's upstairs taking a nap in his crib again for day 4. I think I know why he was such a brat yesterday. He has another tooth. Finally up to tooth number 10. I think once he gets up we will go somewhere just to get out of the house. It's not too terribly hot outside, but it rained all day yesterday, so the parks will be all wet. Maybe we will go to one of the parks with a nice walking trail and take a walk with him in the stroller. Or maybe the mall. Or Walgreens.

It wasn't such a bad day today. Wasn't great or anything, but not bad. We went to the credit union to try to refinance dh's car loan. We wanted to get a lower interest rate and hopefully lower payments. Well the woman treated us like we were scum, and started acting like there was no way we would get approved without running our credit, and Evan was being the ultimate brat, screaming and trying to get away. Dh wouldn't make any descisions for anything, and I couldn't really hear what was going on with Evan screaming. I have never seen him act like that. The woman was looking at me like I had no control over my child, and I was pretty obviously stressed about his behaviour. I couldn't really hide my frustration, and that bugs me because usually I am really patient with him. Today I just seemed to have no patience at all. I was not the best mother at all today now that I really think about it. I tried to post here earlier, and Evan climbed up and lost my post, and I yelled at him then come to think of it. Anyway, back to the refinancing, it was left at us calling them some time to see if we were approved for the loan, and then we would have to go back for paperwork, etc. The more I think about it, the more I feel like we shouldn't bother. Just leave it alone.

We left the credit union (did I mention it was pouring rain ALL day) and went to the pass office to get a base sticker for my van (so I can get on military bases) and the computer was down so they couldn't issue one.

Strike 2 I guess. (and did I mention we drove 30 minutes to get to Norfolk for this crap??? In the POURING rain???)

But we did get to go to the commisary for groceries. I have never been to the commisary honestly. I have been a military wife for 3 years, and never shopped at the commisary. Anyway, I think we are going to make an effort to try to go more often. And now I think I know how to get there on my own. Food is SO much cheaper there, and you pay no tax at all. We spent half of what we usually spend. Just wish it was closer.

Oh and I was gonna get a test while we were there, but the only one they had was the EPT digital. That was IT. I know it's too early for that, so I resisted the urge and walked away. I could have gone next door to the exchange to see if they had any there, but I didn't. I think, depending on how my temps look, I will go tomorrow and get a test.

Oh and surprisingly, I didn't get a call from Irresponsible mom. I really expected her to call and ask me to babysit, but she didn't. Looks like she got a childcare solution finally!!! YAY!!!

Feeling pretty under appreciated right now. Dh had to be a part of a retirement ceremony again today. This is a guy he has total respect for and truely calls him a friend, so I understand that he wanted to be a part of the ceremony when he was asked. He had to be in Norfolk at 8am to do a run through, then the ceremony itself didn't start until almost 11:30. I didn't go because I would have had to get Evan out of bed early to get him ready, and I didn't really want to try to keep him entertained by myself all that time. There was a party after the retirement, and dh said originally that he wasn't going to go. Well he called me ON HIS WAY to the party. He said it wasn't supposed to start until 2, but it was in VA Beach, so no point in driving all the way home. He said he wasn't going to stay past 2:30. Well i am sure you see where this is going.......... It's 5 right now. He hasn't even LEFT the party. He "just had his last beer about an hour ago" so he's waiting a little longer to leave. It will take him at least an hour with the traffic as bad as it is right now.

I think Evan and I are going to go get something to eat. Dh doesn't take the time to think of me first, so he can find his own food tonite.

On a more positive note, Evan took a 2.5 hour nap IN HIS CRIB!!! This is HUGE!!! I have always had to hold him and rock him to get him to take naps, but this is the second day in a row he has slept in the crib for a nap. And today it was without a single tear!!!

Thanks girls for the pep talks, you have no idea how much I needed them (or maybe you do). I think alot of my issue lately is that I feel like Irresponsible mom, AND my dh both look at it like "well she's at home all day anyway, why doesnt' SHE watch the baby". Like I do absolutely nothing all day. Nevermind the fact that dh has used the washing machine a total of 2 times since we moved here in March, and I think the same goes for the dishwasher. And does he think the trash takes itself out?? Or the food comes here on it's own?

I told him that I would almost consider making babysitting a permanent thing for I.M. if she was willing to pay me more. He spoke up and told me he didn't want me doing it though. It kind of shocked me actually. He said the situation wasn't fair for me and he didn't want me to get stuck like that. It really made me feel a little better about it, knowing that he was standing up for me.

My chart REALLY sucks. I don't know how I can even consider it accurate though since the times were all over the place. I am really getting sick of dh's work schedule and babysitting getting in the way of ttc. It's really annoying. Oh well, looks like I won't be going to Walgreens this month after all.

Ok, what the hell is with the spammers???? And anyone know how we get rid of them?? The last one I got said they would be reading my blog often or some crap like that. Great, spammer stalkers. UGH, how annoying!!

I just wanted you all to know that you all really mean alot to me. I have only been blogging a couple of months, but the support I have gotten from each of you has just been staggering. It is always nice to be reminded that you aren't alone. And it's nice to have someone to listen to you complain and encourage you. (seems like I have been pretty good at the complaining part lately)

Sometimes I get discouraged when I post because I am not the most creative person, and I am definately not a writer. I feel so uneducated sometimes that I am almost embarassed to post. Every time I feel that way though, someone sends an encouraging comment my way, and I feel a little better about it all. I guess being nothing but a stay at home mom (hahaha) can kind of make you question your worth to everyone else. I wouldn't change it for the world though.

Oh, and not sure what the deal was with the baby monitor. It was on the voice mode, so it was off unless there was a noise, and it just kept clicking on. Most of the time there really WASN'T any noise. Just the monitor clicking on and off. Weird.

Not sure what is going on with the sore boobs. Not sure if they ARE sore to be honest. I can't tell if it was imagined or what. I would notice if they were bigger though. I am not even an A cup after breastfeeding Evan for a year!! My temp was down a little this morning, but that was also at 6am. This chart is so screwed up with all the different times that I got to take my temp, I am not really relying on it. I guess we will see what happens in the next few days. Lets see how long I can last before running to get a test.

And did I mention that baby monitors are creepy?? We never really used ours. In the old house, Evan's bedroom was right next to ours and we got feedback if we tried, so we just got used to sleeping with the doors open. Well since Austin has been here, I have the pack and play in my room and I have to close the door to keep the cat off of him when he's sleeping. So I dug out the monitor so I could hear him downstairs. I swear, there have been noises coming through that thing that have made me not so enthusiastic about going up there. I'm such a weenie.

Not really feeling very bloggy tonite. I don't know what my problem is. I am guessing extreme exhaustion, but who knows. I think part of it is that I am sure you are all tired of hearing me bitch and complain about petty things like babysitting. Let's face it, I really have no life. I am just feeling really blah today. It rained the majority of the day, after a night of hell with the boys. I went to bed around 11, and the neighbors booming music kept me up til around 12. Then right as I fell asleep, Evan woke up screaming. Not crying, but screaming hysterically. I waited a second to see if he would calm down on his own, but it just wasn't happening, so I went in and got him. I tried to rock him back to sleep after I had him calmed down, and he wouldn't fall asleep. He was totally limp like he was asleep, but he was still awake enough that if I moved, he jumped up and looked at me. So after rocking for 30 minutes, I tried to lay him back in his crib and sit on the floor for him to CIO. Well he freaked out. I mean he was hysterical. So I got him back up and took him downstairs and gave him Tylenol. Then I got him to lay with me on the couch for awhile. He acted like he was going to go to sleep, but then he shot up, said something in gibberish, and then got down to play. Ummmm I don't think so. So I took him back to his room to the rocking chair for the Tylenol to kick in. After a few minutes there, it was back in the crib. Oh and MUCH more screaming. Trust me, if I could have gotten him to sleep any other way, I would have. But it ended up with me sitting on his bedroom floor, while he stood in his crib and screamed. Oh and did I mention he can say "mommy" now??? Yeah, great. 20 minutes of the most pathetic, heartbreaking "mommy, mommy, mommy" you can possibly imagine. Pure hell. So he finally went to sleep, and I slowly snuck out of his room (and everytime I sneak in or out of his room, I picture Kathy doing "the drop") I finally crawled into my bed around 2am. I was asleep about 20 minutes when Austin woke up. UGH. I think I got around 4 hours of sleep. This is so not worth the embarassingly small amount of money she is paying me to watch her kid. No way in hell.

On another note, I am trying not to be too optimistic about this month, but I can't help but feel that my boobs are sore. WTF is THAT about??? Oh and they haven't been sore before AF since before I got pg with Evan. I couldn't tell you how many dpo I am right now though, so couldn't tell you when I might break down and test. IF I test at all. So far, there are no tests in the house...... Did I mention there is a Walgreens a tenth of a mile away????

Random thoughts, Most of Which Aren't going to make me popular

I have finally gotten to the point where I need to vent about a couple of things. Not wanting to step on toes, but this is just the way I feel. Sorry if I offend anyone.

First off, there was an announcement on the mom's general chat board last night about a little girl diagnosed with Leukemia. My heart absolutely BREAKS for this woman. I can't imagine the hell she is about to face, watching as her beautiful little girl goes through Chemo and all of the other tortures of being sick. That being said, there was an immediate rally of support of this mother. And that is amazing, and I know she needs all the support that she gets. This is the thing, I am jealous (I can admit that that is what it all comes down to) Why don't Still born mom's get that support??? Where is everyone rallying around us?? We get a simple "I'm sorry" (if that) and that's it. They don't want to hear our stories, because they are scary. But damn it, where is the blinkie for MY son??? Doesn't he deserve the same??? I know my feelings on this issue are really petty, but I can't help it. It's just the way I feel.

The other thing, I am SURE is going to piss people off, but keep this in mind, I am a military wife. So I am sure you guessed what I am going to bring up. You got it, Cindy Sheehan. This is the thing, I truely am sorry that her son lost his life, and I TOTALLY feel for her pain. I know how brokenhearted she is, and I do wish it didn't have to be that way. The thing that bugs me about it is this, her son was not drafted. He signed up willingly. No, that doesn't make it ok that he died. That is NOT what I am saying. What I am saying is, that when you join the military, you KNOW that there is ALWAYS a possibility of going to war. He knew that when he signed up, and he signed up anyway. I am very sorry for his mother's loss, truely, I am, but I don't agree that W killed him. Chances are, he is ashamed of what his mother is doing. Chances are, that he was PROUD to serve his country. I know that that is speculation, but like I said, it's how I feel.

Can ya tell I have had a shitty day? Austin screamed pretty much from the time his mom dropped him off until I put him in bed at 7:30. Oh, and the headache is still there.

I changed cd16's wakeup time (I think it was day 16?) and adjusted the temp up a little and got a coverline. That's a start at least. Eventhough I am sure that I o'd on cd15, I keep thinking "what if ff knows something I don't and I am wrong". I know it's ridiculous, but oh well.

Evan has been a total monster this morning. He has screamed over EVERYTHING. It has been tantrum after tantrum. He took a nap for an hour and a half though, and so far he seems to be in a much better mood. God I hope so. I don't want to deal with his tantrums when Austin gets here later. I asked him if he was read for lunch and off he runs to the kitchen. God I love that kid. I don't think he could possibly be any cuter.

I fell asleep on the couch while Evan was asleep and I dreamt that Caleb's grave was gone. I went to see him and EVERYTHING was just GONE. You could tell that it should have been there, but it wasn't. I have had that dream before too, I think. It's left me with a massive headache.

Calling all Charting Experts

Or at least anyone with a little charting knowledge will help. Ok I am almost POSITIVE that I o'd on cd 15, but the third day I should have gotten a higher temp so I can get a coverline was the first day of babysitting, so I got up at 4:45 am. So here's the question, should I adjust that temp so I can get a coverline? And if I do adjust that temp, how should I do it??

A little about Irresponsible mom

I figured since you asked about irresponsible mom, I would let you know what I know about her.

She is in the Navy. She works the same "watch" as my dh. She is 21 or 22, and her dh is 22. He is also in the Navy but on a ship. Well they had another babysitter, and all was well, until her dh stopped going to work. The babysitter's dh is on the same ship and was catching hell for being friend with the guy that wasn't showing up, so he had his wife quit babysitting. With no notice. I am not totally sure WHY he wasn't showing up to work, other then the fact that he is a total loser. He is more into going out and partying then taking care of his kid. He doesn't show up to work, which means the Navy takes money from him, which of course, hurts his family. To me, it kind of seems like B (irresponsible mom) doesn't trust her dh to take care of the baby. And it also seems like she TRIES. I truely believe that much. Her dh doesn't think they should run to him each time he cries, and also thinks that he doesn't need a night light because night lights make weird shadows and that is what kids are scared of. I think he's full of lots of ideas like that. (not really saying he is always wrong, just saying he has ways he thinks a baby should be cared for) B is from Indiana, and has no family here to help her or go to for advise. And I just don't think that she thinks to ask questions when it comes to Austin. She still sterilizes his bottles at 6 months old, and uses bottled water to make his formula, but then she doesn't know to feed him solid food, or buy him a highchair yet. If the dr hadn't told her to feed him solids at his last appointment last week, she wouldn't have tried anything yet. I also think it's a little weird for someone to have their first child and not put them in cute little outfits. He is always just wearing a onsie. I know part of the problem is that they are broke (thanks to her dh), and I am pretty sure her dh is the majority of the rest of the problem. And then of course there is the inexperience of being a first time mom with no help.

Which is why it's so hard for me to say no when she asks me to take care of him. At least with me, I know he is safe. I don't think she would leave him with just anyone, but I can't take that chance. Not when there is a baby involved.

When she came to pick him up today she was telling me all about how she spent the majority of the day calling people to find someone to take him, and no one can. Gee where do you see THIS going??? The big problem is the fact that they live about 45 minutes from us. So she has to bring him here at 4:45 am, then backtrack to work, then after work, she has to go out of her way to pick him up, and then back 45 minutes to her house. Not that big of a deal when they are working days. The big issue is when they work over night. She brings him to me at 4pm, then he stays here overnight. Well when she comes to get him in the morning, she is exhausted from working all night with no sleep, so then she wants to stay here for a little while. He wakes up, and I end up taking care of him. This happens for 2 days out of the 4. How is that fair on me????

So I don't know what is going to happen. It really sounds like I will be stuck with him at least one more work string. We really need extra money, but she isn't paying worth a crap. It's really not worth my effort. I guess we will see how things work out.

I am so tired today it's not even funny. I would do anything for a nap. Unfortunately, Evan doesn't seem to feel the same way. He fought me tooth and nail to take a nap, and I finally got him to sleep for 45 minutes. He does AWESOME at night, but the naps are just getting so hard to deal with.

I have Austin for the next 4 days. He's been really good so far today. Since last week his mom has started to feed him solids (no one told her he could have them, and he's 6 months old.) I fed him a jar of bananas earlier and he ate them like it was the greatest thing on earth. The kid was starving on just bottles. His mom really needs someone to help her out. She just has no clue.

I temped this morning, but it was at 4:45 and I am not totally sure I got 3 hours of sleep. I couldn't fall asleep for the longest time, and once I did, we got the thunderstorm from hell. It lasted for almost an hour. I was just praying with each clap of thunder that Evan wouldn't wake up. He slept right through it. Dh woke me up when he was getting ready for work, and I felt like I had had 5 minutes of sleep. I can't WAIT for 6:30 tonite when they get home.......

I'll Never Learn

I still haven't learned my lesson apparently. Irresponsible mom called today because she needs a babysitter for the next work string (starting tomorrow). I agreed to do it again. Apparently the person she had lined up has not called her back since last Wednesday so she is just going to try to find someone else. But of course she doesn't have anyone right now for Austin, and I just can't seem to leave her hanging. At least their work schedule changed a little so I won't have to be up until 4:30am instead of 3:30, but still........

I THOUGHT I O'd on cd15, but ff apparently doesn't think so because I still don't have a coverline. It doesn't matter though, because I really don't have my hopes up for this month. We didn't get to bd when we really needed to because of exhaustion from watching both kids and dh was worn out from working. I can't really expect much. We haven't had a chance to really try as hard as we should since saying we were ttc. Originally we weren't going to ttc until September when Evan was 18 months old anyway.

I know I am rambling. I just haven't had all that much to say today. I guess I need to try to get the house straight before I get Austin in the morning anyway.

I am DONE babysitting!! Woohooo!!! I am worn out and sure won't do that ever again. I think the biggest issue is all the extra time I had to watch her baby. Even when she was here after working overnight, I was still watching Austin and feeding him and changing him. Needless to say, I think I learned my lesson and have figured out how to say no.

Today wasn't too bad. We took the evil cat to the vet for shots, and then had to get the tags for my van, and the city sticker from the treasurers office. It's so weird, we never had anything like that in SC, and here we have city stickers AND inspections. It feels strange to have VA plates on my van. Really weird. Guess I should change my drivers license too. I don't HAVE to since we are military, but I probably will.

After getting the stuff with the van straight, we went to Best Buy to replace the cordless phone that the evil cat destroyed. For some reason though, when we got home, we have no dial tone on the new phone, OR the other phone we have that works. UGH. Figures huh?? It worked EARLIER today......

We ended up going to Outback for dinner. It was pretty good, but would have been better if dh had cooked steaks at home. Evan ate like a little pig. It's funny, but I still almost forget to order something for him when we go out. That kid ate some of our bloomin' onion (he wasn't supposed to like it, but he was throwing a fit because we were eating and not sharing, so I gave him a small bite and he loved it) tomatoes from my salad, some bread, and half of a kids mac and cheese plate!! I don't know HOW that kids stays so skinny!!

So now we are home, and dh is on the couch falling asleep. Guess I need to drag him to bed since this is cd14...........

To My child

I saw this in a post on ff. Thought I would share it here. (sorry if it's cheesy)

To My Child Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying.
Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is.
Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.
Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.
Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.
Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by. Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned. Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.
Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.
Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.
Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.
I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.
And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day..............

Help, Please....Someone??? Anyone???

Ok so I tried changing my look, and now I can't get all of my links to show up. This is the same problem I had on the old template, so I thought maybe if I changed it, I could fix it. WRONG. I don't get why half of my blogs aren't showing up. Anyone have any ideas??? (Eve, come on, I know you can help me!! lol)

Once again, I am wishing I knew how to say the word "no". I better figure it out REAL quick. Irresponsible mom asked to stay here after work this morning. Not thinking, I said yes. Well the thing is, they get here around 6am, and then have to leave again for work around 3pm. Not too much time for sleeping in there. So instead of making her pick the baby up and then drive 45 minutes to her house after working overnight, I said she could stay. I really didn't think this one through. This put ME getting up with the baby since he was in my room sleeping. I came downstairs with a crying baby, and this girl manages to stay asleep. It blows my mind that she can sleep through her own baby crying. It's not something I was ever able to do. Anyway, he was soaked in pee from head to toe (Huggies are WORTHLESS, he had been changed at 3am, and this was at 7!!) and of course he needed a bottle. I changed him (right beside his mom) and then left him on the blanket on the floor and went to the kitchen to get his bottle. I walked back in, handed her the bottle, and spent some time on the computer. There was no way I was going to take care of her kid when she was right there. He's been REALLY fussy today, so this should be an interesting night. Oh and E is refusing to nap...........again.

Just came across an ad for this show on NBC. It's called Inconceivable. Set in an infertility clinic. Not sure what to think of it. I am pretty sure I will at least check it out.

Just visited some of the pg boards, no idea why, just lurking I guess. I don't know why I like to torture myself, but I do. It's not the fact that I am mad because they are pg. That's not it. It's the total INNOCENCE. That, and the fact that they are all so damn clueless. I can't stand that "it won't happen to me" attitude. I had that attitude once........ never again. I guess I am jealous about the fact that no matter how many subsequent babies I have, I will never again have that happy, care-free pregnancy EVER again. There was a post on one of the boards (can't remember which one) that was called something like "Should I worry about this" or something like that. It was about cord accidents. "I am just terrified that I will have to have an emergency c-section because my baby's cord is around her neck" Look bitch, if that is ALL you have because your baby's cord is around her neck, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS and move on. Unless you have to BURY your baby because his cord was around her neck, I really don't want to hear about it. I know I shouldn't complain, I am the one that was lurking on the pg board in the first place, but it still gets to me. I wanted so badly to post on that board, but I know that I would have been doing it out of spite, and there is no reason to scare her shitless just because I am bitter and mean. The truth is, BOTH of my kids were born with their cords around their necks. Caleb's cord was just short. My nephew was born with his around his neck too, and he is now 8 years old. MOST of the time it's ok. But I resisted the urge to post.

It's weird though. I don't feel the same way about pg women that have been through losses. I am truely happy for them, and want to reassure them if I can. And if I can't, I want to let them know that I at least know how they feel. I just have no patience for the ignorant, happy pg women..........

I'll be the first to admit it..........I am bitter as hell.

This has been the day from hell. I am watching the baby overnight. He got shots today and has been extremely cranky. He ended up going to bed at about 7:30. HOPEFULLY he will sleep all night. Evan was awful today on top of that. He refused to take a nap, so was absolutely impossible by the time I put him in bed (early). He is getting another tooth so I think that is part of the problem. He wouldn't stay off the stairs, and when he wasn't up there telling me "no" when I told him to come down, he was in the computer chair "typing". On top of all of that, we have the cat from hell. He figured out how to get on the kitchen counter today and now he won't stay off of it. He keeps getting in the bathroom sink too. I turned the water on him and that doesn't phase him. I am almost to the point of just giving him away. (and I hear him on the counter right now) I am worn out and just don't know what to do with this stupid cat. Someone told me to get a water gun and shoot him when he does something he isn't supposed to do, but water doesn't bug him at all. He's driving me NUTS!!

Tomorrow is the last night of babysitting. Thank God. I keep thinking do i really want another baby right now. It is so hard to deal with Evan and his jealousy with this baby. I am thinking that if I have my own baby, Evan will be over 2 when it's born, so maybe things would be different, but then I don't know. I mean I know Evan is so used to having mommy to himself, so of course he's going to have a hard time with a baby all of a sudden taking up my time. I can rationalize it either way, and of course I don't have the emotional attachment to this baby like I would my own so that changes things some too.

Gotta go get the hell cat off the counter.............

I don't know if I ever mentioned the little girls that live a couple of apartments down or not. They are about 8 at the oldest. Well I have seen them outside at 10pm more then once in pajamas and no shoes wandering around in the parking lot. We live in townhouses. I just looked outside and one of them was upstairs in her room with the window open, LEANING HALFWAY OUT!!! I think she was watching her cat. She saw me looking and very quietly closed the window and closed her blinds. I saw her peeking out of the blinds for a second, then her and her sister came outside. I can't wait to see her mom. I will be SURE to tell her that her kids are leaning out of a second story window over the sidewalk. I think I am over my heart attack now........

Man I'm tired. I was fine yesterday. I really didn't feel the lack of sleep. This morning I really did NOT want to crawl out of bed. Thank God tomorrow they work overnight and I won't have to get up until Evan wakes me up.

I temped this morning since I got about 4 hours of sleep, but I discarded the temp. It was 97.1, and no signs of O.

Damn cat just jumped on the baby's head. Gotta go kill him now.......

1 day down, 1 to go. Oh and then we hit nightshift. Which shouldn't be bad at all with a 6 month old. At least I HOPE it's not.

Austin was really good today. He usuallly is a really good baby though. Evan did pretty well, until about 3 pm when he decided there was no way he was taking a nap and "no" was his favorite word. That, and him trying to take the bottle and drink it himself. THIS from a kid that NEVER took a bottle. And if he ever got formula in his mouth he would spit it at you (the reason I breastfed him for a year). NOW he decides he wants a bottle. For the most part though he jumped right into a big brother roll, and it just broke my heart. I should be able to see Caleb taking on that roll with Evan, but we were just SO robbed. He kept trying to pick Austin up too. I made sure that if I had to walk out of the room for anything, I made Evan go with me.

I managed to get the boys to both take a nap at the same time this afternoon so I got about an hour of sleep. UGH I hope I can sleep tonite. I hate being an insomniac!!!

So far, so good

Irresponsible mom dropped the baby off at 3:45 am. It looks like she brought plenty for him this time. A whole can of formula, cereal, and a gallon of water to make bottles with. Plus 2 already made bottles. She brought his pack and play for him to nap in and extra clothes. We should be good to go. If the cat would just leave him alone already.....

Today is dh's 30th birthday. I had planned on taking Evan out today and shopping for him. We were going to try to find a somewhat cheap grill (dh doesn't take care of grills, and we have been through 3 in the past couple of years) but now that I have 2 babies with me and 1 carseat, it's not going to happen. I guess that will have to wait until his next string of off days.

I think I got a total of 2 hours of sleep last night. I layed in my bed staring at the ceiling until at least 12:30. I just couldn't shut my mind down. This should be a fun day.......

Oh, and as a side note to my last post, Evan learned a new word today....... You guessed it!!! "No".

No

This is a word I really need to learn to inclue in my vocabulary. Irresponsible mom just called. She works the same schedule as dh, which means tomorrow morning, she has to be at work by 5am. Well, her babysitter quit on her last week. I am not totally sure WHY her babysitter quit, but I do know it's something to do with her dh. Anyway, she called tonite to ask if I will babysit her ds for the next work string (4 12 hour days, 2 of those are overnight.) I, of course agreed to do it. So I will be getting up at 3:30 am to watch her baby. UGH. Why don't I learn to say no to people? Guess it will be good practice taking care of Evan and a baby. And Austin is a really sweet baby. And of course there is a little extra money involved........

Last night was horrible. Just as I went upstairs to peek in Evan's room before bed (to make sure he is still breathing of course) he sat straight up. So when I peeked around the corner, he saw me. So that started the wailing. I couldn't get him to just lay back down, so I had to get him out of the crib. I tried to rock him to sleep, but that just wasn't happening. So finally I put him in the crib and sat down beside it (yes he CIO in a way, it works for us when nothing else ever did so don't flame me) He whined for a minute or two, then started to settle down. And then the damn cat came in and slammed himself into the side of the crib. I ran the idiot cat out, and then the crying started all over and it took another 10 minutes for Evan to settle back down. And the cat came BACK. Asshole. So everything started all over again. Evan was so upset the second time I tried to rock him again, and once again, he wouldn't sleep. So he ended up back in the crib, and I ended up on his floor until around 3 am. UGH.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that E drowned. We were at the pool and it was really crowded, and he was right there with me, and dh was in the pool. Well I turned around and he was gone, and I didnt think anything of it. I thought his daddy came and got him and had him in the pool. After a few minutes, I looked over and saw dh, without E. I freaked out and started screaming and asking where he was. Dh said he didn't have E, and then we saw him floating there, dead. I just screamed over and over "I thought he was with YOU". So now I have dreamt of him getting hit by a car, and drowning, all within a time span of 2 weeks. Nice huh?

I guess I am feeling the need to clarify. I don't really know why, maybe more for myself, but just bare with me here. I think my biggest issue facing my "depression" is the way it shows itself. By that I mean that I am not overly weepy (or weepy at all honestly). I can function when it comes to taking care of E, and am actually very happy when I am with him. I truely smile with him when he is with me. I love every minute of him. But the thing is, when he is in bed at night, I feel LOST. I have no motivation to do anything, and I am generally sad. Not weepy, but down. I have no energy at all either. I still have a hard time going out by myself if I might be somewhere someone might know me (not a problem up here since we have moved though). I have panic attacks, but they aren't really as bad as most people have them either. I guess maybe I would have an easier time saying "I'm depressed" if all I could do was sit and cry, but to be honest, the last time I cried was with my Dr. and before that I couldn't tell you how long it had been. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should get help professionally because I don't know if it's "bad enough". I just don't know......

I come here to post, and instead sit and stare at the screen. I just don't know how to put how I feel into words. I haven't even talked to dh. I planned on it last night, after E went to bed and we had some peace, but he went to sleep on the couch. The thing is, we have not even talked about the medical records I picked up. He hasn't even asked. I think he doesn't ask because he assumes I would tell him if I was upset about them, but I really don't know.

I have also never told him exactly how unhappy I am. Not really with one general thing, but with life itself. I am not unhappy with him, and definately not unhappy with E, but just in general. E is the main thing that gets me through. That little boy gave me a reason to WANT to get up each day, and that's alot for a 17 month old to carry. I really don't know if unhappy is the right word either. I really think its the dreaded word "depression". Maybe this is all just coming back because I know it will be another month at least before I get to go back to SC to see Caleb. I had such a hard time leaving the cemetary yesterday. I walked back to the van and just stood there looking back at his pinwheels spinning like crazy. Then I got in the van and just sat there with my foot on the brake. I know he isnt there, but I just didn't want to leave him. Damn it, why do I HAVE to leave him??

I hate this. I hate all of it. I hate that I will never get the chance to look UP into his eyes as he towers over me. I have gone beyond wondering what he would be like at 30 months old. This is a new thing. Some new realization I guess. This just never goes away. Ever...........

Well we are finally home. And I noticed today that Virginia actually FEELS like home now. I never thought that was possible, but it's true. I was actually happy to be here. It will be nice to get back to normal.

At the same time though, leaving SC is just as hard now as it was the first day we left. I cried several times in the car. I finally got the courage to get my medical records from my old ob. I had a panic attack in the office, but somehow managed to hide it (at least I think I hid it). I don't know why, but while they were counting the pages of my file, I started shaking and my heart was pounding out of my chest. It was all I could do not to turn and run. I couldn't write out the check to pay for the records. As I was standing there I realized that that was probably the last time I would be in that building, and then that brought me to the realization that that building was the only place we ever heard Caleb's heart beating. That was the only place we saw him moving (except through my belly). I am slowly running out of places that I went to when he was alive, and that hit me like a ton of bricks. This is all SO wrong.

I did go back and talk to my dr. I felt like I really had to let her know that she was a HUGE part in me being able to try to get pg again, and without her, I don't think I would have had the courage to have Evan. I told her, and I thanked her, and let her know how much she meant, and we both cried. She came and hugged me and told me to come see her whenever I get the chance when I am in town. It is so strange to close that chapter, but I just have no choice. I don't think she will ever know exactly how much all she did for me really meant. I hope she at least has an idea now.

I sat and read all of my records front to back though, and was actually very surprised. I guess I expected to see something horrible that I was never told, but there is nothing there that I didn't already know. There are lots of little notes to the side with Caleb's name, and notes about my grieving and how I am handling things. She treated Caleb like a PERSON, not just a fetus, and once again, she will never know what that means to me. I was so scared of seeing "fetal demise" over and over, but it's not there. There is even a comment about the fact that I have a tattoo, and that it is a Capricorn sign in memory of my son Caleb. I am really going to miss her. Sounds silly huh?

I am working on getting caught back up with everything. I haven't had a chance to read blogs, but I am working on it. Maybe when I am supposedly unpacking hehehe.

Just thought I would post to let everyone know I didn't fall off the face of the planet. I am still in SC and really haven't had much time to get online. I thought about going back today, but don't really want to drive in the rain (and yeah Jill, I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I probably DO have a southern accent, just not as bad as most people here) I have a ton of stuff to try to do today, like getting my med records, but I just keep putting it off. Just not looking forward to seeing terms like "fetal demise".

AF did come (I am pretty sure you guys know that already lol) and I am totally ok with it. I KNEW it was coming, just annoyed that it was 4 days late. I must admit though, I was nervous as hell each time I tested.....

I am not sure when I am going home yet (tomorrow or the next day) but I will be sure to check in. Hopefully today I will get some time to go back and read some blogs. Not sure though.